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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27754549">Between Knowing and Understanding</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/126916912/pseuds/126916912'>126916912</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Boyz (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abduction, Car Accidents, Escape Attempts, Espionage, Fights, M/M, Marriage, Murder, Mystery, Spies, dead bodies, fake death, speculation about mental health</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:09:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>21,545</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27754549</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/126916912/pseuds/126916912</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After being certain that his husband is cheating on him, Sangyeon begins to look into things. The secrets uncovered ensure he can never return to life as he always knew it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Sangyeon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Die Jungz Fest (R1)</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Between Knowing and Understanding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Prompt 23: The two of them have been married for years and they've grown comfortable in their jobs, in their routines, in their homes. But then one of them starts acting... suspicious. They keep their phone off. Get home at odd hours of the night. Stop paying attention to the little things. Of course their spouse will assume their husband is having an affair! They smile through it despite their paranoia... but enough is enough. They start to look into it. But the secrets they start digging up and the puzzle pieces they start putting together might lead to something far stranger and far darker than an affair...</p><p>To clarify, I don't think the violence is extremely graphic (someone gets hit over the head and that's literally it I think?) but it is better to err on the side of caution, right?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The furrow between Sooyoung's brows smooths slightly when she succeeds in carving off a spoonful of cheesecake though her frown is still visible as she locks her eyes with Sangyeon’s. He isn't the one who served cheesecake without defrosting it. Nonetheless, he feels oddly guilty himself considering the reason he asked Sooyoung to meet him. </p><p>"He's not having an affair," Sooyoung says. Her tone is casual despite the firm base to the words. She won't accept anything to the contrary though Sangyeon has noticed more than enough things which would count as evidence against her claim. </p><p>"I know that you're best friends and there is some sort of code and whatever, but this has been going on for months, Sooyoung. He's lying about where he is going at all hours of the night, he's being really standoffish with me, he… he has a second phone and he has been hiding the one I am supposed to know about. What else am I supposed to think?"</p><p>"You're imagining things," Sooyoung tells him in that same flippant tone as before. She glances at her wristwatch, as though tired of this conversation already. The plain face and tattered leather strap of Sooyoung's watch look out of place considering how immaculately put-together she is, though Sangyeon is grateful that whatever she sees grants him a bit more time even if it is just to hear something which makes him feel stupider. "Do you really think Jaehyun would cheat on you?" </p><p>Sangyeon falters. He doesn't think that Jaehyun would cheat on him but that is sort of the point. He doubts that many people expect to discover that the person they have given their heart to would have an affair. For as many years as he has known Jaehyun, for as long as they have been married, Sangyeon hasn't suspected anything like this. Only, recent behaviour has cast enough doubts that Sangyeon is certain. </p><p>"If he's not having an affair, what else would it be?" </p><p>"Have you been finding lipstick prints on his shirt collars?" Sooyoung rolls her eyes and then pulls a face as she nibbles at her cheesecake. "This stuff is awful. Don't you know any better cafés?"</p><p>Sangyeon thought this was a nice café. He has come here several times with Jaehyun, his wedding ring feeling far lighter then than it does today. </p><p>"Are you going to tell Jaehyun?" </p><p>Sooyoung gulps down her iced americano before she shakes her head. "He would be devastated if he knew you thought something as stupid as this about him."</p><p>It isn't stupid. Sooyoung is simply being the sort of friend she has proven herself to be over the years. She and Jaehyun have known each other as long as they can remember, long enough that they can't ever agree on how they first met. </p><p>There is no real reason for Sooyoung to tell Sangyeon the truth he wants to hear. Having loyalty to Jaehyun is understandable, even if Sangyeon feels as though the foundations of his life are already crumbling away underfoot. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>The restaurant Jaehyun takes Sangyeon to is popular, the sort of swanky place where reservations must be made months in advance. He must have known long ago that he was going to forgo their routine dates with excuses about having to work late and sudden appointments. </p><p>The menu doesn't even have the prices listed and Sangyeon is certain Jaehyun can't afford this. Neither of them can. Perhaps the fact that they are out on the balcony overlooking the sparkling city lights, exposed to the mercy of the harsh night air, will earn them a discount. </p><p>"Do you think you'll get called into work tonight?" Sangyeon asks with a shiver. This really isn't the season for outdoor dining. </p><p>Jaehyun smiles. "If they do I will just ignore it."</p><p>Sangyeon tries to smile back but he wonders why Jaehyun couldn't ignore the calls all the other times. He works for a department store, an assistant to one of the homeware buyers. Nothing about Jaehyun's job is vital enough to exceed the nine-to-five he is contracted for. </p><p>"I was thinking about our anniversary," Sangyeon says, his voice is oddly tight but nothing stirs the serenity of Jaehyun’s expression. "We could go on holiday, just the two of us."</p><p>Jaehyun's nod is slow as he turns his eyes back to the menu in his hands. "That could be nice," he says evenly. </p><p>Sangyeon can't take his eyes off this man who is brazen enough to speak in such a measured way. Jaehyun sounds so normal, as though their years of marriage are inconsequential. Perhaps that is the case. They have had an easy time together, propped up on the easy generosity of Sangyeon’s parents, and that must be the issue. Sangyeon is too boring and things are too easy. </p><p>"Is getting the steak too predictable?" Jaehyun asks. </p><p>"Isn't everything about you unpredictable?" Sangyeon asks. Jaehyun looks up with a grin. </p><p>"I like that. It sounds dangerous."</p><p>The question is in Sangyeon’s mouth, <em>is the person you love more than me dangerous too?</em> but the words stick behind his teeth. Sangyeon isn't dangerous. Sangyeon is safe and boring and the most surprising thing about him is the fact he even realised that Jaehyun has been having an affair. </p><p>Sangyeon can't talk, not that Jaehyun is particularly interested in what he has to say anyway. Sangyeon grits his teeth against the chattering and clacking of his freezing bones and pretends not to be bothered when Jaehyun decides to be boring, especially for Sangyeon, and tells him all about how difficult this year's pre-season has been. </p><p>However much the meal costs, Sangyeon doesn't think it is worth the price. The gratin is oddly raw in some layers and the broccolini is soggy. They skip dessert because Sangyeon asks nicely, and before they leave they look out over the city. Appreciate the view even though they sat up here, battered by the wind long enough that the city does not look like anything special. </p><p>"I would have thought the buildings would sway a bit more this high up," Jaehyun says as he leans over the ledge. </p><p>"In case of typhoons?" </p><p>"That's right. A lot of things look like they should be more flimsy than they are."</p><p>Sangyeon thinks the inverse is also true. He had idiotically assumed strength in his marriage but whatever flexibility he had hoped for was just scaffolded vulnerability. </p><p>Whoever it is, the person Jaehyun has been meeting, Sangyeon wonders if they realise how lucky they are. Or they might be just as unlucky as Sangyeon. He fell too quickly for a man who said all the right things, looked at him just the right way, and made him feel like he really was important. </p><p>This must be a form of importance too. Sangyeon is important enough to have his heart broken by Jaehyun. He doesn't feel too special right now but he is trying to see things the way Jaehyun sees them. </p><p>"Hey," Jaehyun says, drawing Sangyeon close because he is special and important and he is deserving of an honour as great as this. The hands that slide against Sangyeon’s back freeze through his shirt. That is flimsy too, the last vestiges of warmth in Sangyeon’s body dragged out of him through such fine defences. "I will take you somewhere better next time."</p><p>"It's fine," Sangyeon says with a shake of his head. </p><p>"Are you coming down with something? There's something wrong."</p><p>"I think I am just tired," Sangyeon says. He quickly corrects himself with, "stressed."</p><p>It isn't far off the truth. Work has been delicate since the last chairman of the union had to step down and Sangyeon has been working overtime to attend meetings to clear up that PR mess. He hasn't been sleeping well, unable to stop dwelling on the investigations and attempts at solutions. Being awake during the night, Sangyeon hasn't been able to ignore the strange schedule Jaehyun has been keeping. </p><p>One night he will leave when he thinks Sangyeon is asleep, another night he will return in the early hours, several nights have seen him make up an excuse to step out around dinnertime and he hasn't returned until the morning after. He is getting stranger and stranger but Sangyeon can't ask. </p><p>Because Sangyeon doesn't ask, Jaehyun doesn't even need to bother with lies. He can just smile guilelessly at Sangyeon like he is now. </p><p>"I want to fix that for you. It has been busy for me but I don't mind any of that. Seeing you struggle is worse."</p><p>"It's fine," Sangyeon says. </p><p>Jaehyun pulls Sangyeon even closer. Pressed tightly together like this, Jaehyun is leaning back, almost tilted right over the balcony ledge. </p><p>"This would be the quickest way." Jaehyun's voice is low, colder than even the brisk winds against the shell of Sangyeon’s ear. "I will think of something more elegant than this."</p><p>The chill freezing the marrow in Sangyeon’s bones isn't only from the cold. At this height the ground doesn't even seem real. Sangyeon can see headlights and taillights and streetlights but none of those would catch him if he plummeted over the edge. </p><p>"Is that what the height is making you think of? Putting me out of my misery this way? You'll end up going down too," Sangyeon says. He can't make it sound like a joke. This isn't funny. He is seriously considering the person Jaehyun has been meeting behind his back. Jaehyun must be thinking of that person too. He smiles. </p><p>"I wouldn't mind twisting my fate with yours like that."</p><p>Sangyeon can't take the words as a joke just the same way he can't make his own words sound like a joke. </p><p>"I really don't feel well. I think I need an early night," He says. </p><p>They go home. Sangyeon tries to sleep but he only manages to pretend. Jaehyun leaves without even a whisper. It is the same as always. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Considering the reason for the meeting, the atmosphere in the stuffy little room is jovial. Laughter permeates the close heat of the radiators incinerating the air but the sound feels like yet more pressure against Sangyeon’s eyes, pushing from the inside of his skull. </p><p>Yeojin, the mousy young woman in the corner of the room is glancing around the meeting table, her magnified eyes blinking rapidly through round spectacles as she perches on the edge of her seat in anticipation of the next order of business. She looks almost embarrassed when she realises Sangyeon is watching her. She tries to smile but Sangyeon has been struggling with expressions like that lately. He knocks his wrist against the elbow of the interim chairman. </p><p>"What is it?" Comes the response, dismissive after being drawn from the entertainment of department managers. </p><p>Sangyeon sighs and spins his pen in his hand. "I don't think the union can afford to pay us all overtime seeing as the legal budget has been decimated by someone who claimed expenses on feeding his drug habit."</p><p>Looking back, Sangyeon hadn't much liked the previous chairman. Whether or not he was corrupt, the old man was kinder. He had a reputation as a 'functioning alcoholic' though Sangyeon is aware that his role as the chairman's secretary had a lot to do with how well his boss appeared to function. Since the old chairman had been placed on gardener's leave, the interim chairman has done a shoddy job of earning his wages. He is reluctant to shift the power of the workforce into industrial action. He seems to prefer the failure of open dialogue where big businesses cow him into looking out for their best interests rather than the downtrodden workforce. </p><p>A union which won't stand behind the rights of workers is redundant, just a hollow puppet funnelling funds into the campaign coffers of politicians who barely care for the welfare of the people. </p><p>"That's defamation," the interim chairman says with a sniff. "Did you not like him? Couldn't your parents have made all this go away if you asked them nicely enough?" </p><p>"No." </p><p>"What is the point in both of your parents being in the National Assembly if they can't even do that?" </p><p>"I only get one favour from my parents," Sangyeon says, almost believing his own bolstered claim. "I am saving it for when I really want to get rid of you."</p><p>"You jumped up little git."</p><p>"Number three?" Sangyeon suggests as he taps his pen against the agenda on the table. They have many more items ahead and he would rather this meeting not run too long when he has planned a busy night of wondering when his marriage stopped being enough for his husband. </p><p>As expected, the meeting ends without a resolution for most of the issues surrounding the change of leadership. They already look weak, unable to stand up for employment rights of their workers, and they can't even agree on the wording of a press release to deflect the attention of the media. </p><p>When the meeting finally ends and everyone congregates before escaping home, Sangyeon grabs the attention of the mousy young woman who had been taking minutes of the meeting. She jumps right out of her skin and her pens scatter across the beige carpet. </p><p>Sangyeon crouches to help her retrieve everything she has dropped. "You look different," Sangyeon says conversationally. "Have you had a haircut?" </p><p>Yeojin nods and pushes her round spectacles up the bridge of her nose. "I saw your mother's aide and she looked really sophisticated with short hair. I just look like a little kid." </p><p>"I think it's the fringe," Sangyeon says before he can stop himself. Yeojin's face falls. "You look cute though."</p><p>"Like a little kid," the woman agrees. They climb to their feet and Sangyeon finds himself embarrassed by how small Yeojin is. She is just like a little kid. She shouldn't have cut her hair but it has been done now. Haseul has a lot to answer for even though she wouldn't know how she is to blame. </p><p>They walk to Yeojin's office in silence just because Sangyeon doesn't have anything useful to say. Her computer isn't switched off, the screensaver jumping around the monitor on the desk in a corridor alcove. She sits down at her desk and thanks Sangyeon for helping to carry her notes. </p><p>"Are you staying behind to work?" </p><p>"They want the minutes typed up and circulated before tomorrow morning," Yeojin explains. </p><p>"You should go home," Sangyeon says. The woman shakes her head, her hair tilting along her jaw as she looks up at Sangyeon through her smeared glasses. </p><p>"This won't take long. We need to work quickly if we want to fix things here and be able to support your mother's campaign by the time it officially begins. She's the leader we need, regardless of what the people spreading terror are claiming."</p><p>Though it isn't much to do with Sangyeon, he feels guilty for how sincere Yeojin looks. Maybe matters like this, appearing to be a better labour union who have their affairs in order, will make them reputable enough that citizens across the country would trust their judgement in backing political parties. </p><p>"Thank you for working so hard," Sangyeon says. Telling Yeojin to go home won't do much. She is the type of person who already has faith in a candidate like Sangyeon’s mother. She believes in a better future. Hope is what keeps them going despite the threat of the most likely candidates to go against Sangyeon’s mother.</p><p>Yeojin smiles and bids Sangyeon goodnight. Sangyeon wonders whether his mother even realises what she means to people. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Every month, Sangyeon and Jaehyun have a meal with Sangyeon’s parents. Always on a Wednesday, always in the same restaurant which Jaehyun calls 'gentrified home cooking' — which it honestly is. They get a private room but Sangyeon is always aware of how flimsy the walls are and he can hear the raucousness from adjacent rooms as they drink enough to not mind spending inordinate amounts on food which they could make better themselves. </p><p>Sitting at the table with Jaehyun to his right and his parents on the opposite, Sangyeon isn't sure he can get through the evening in the way he is supposed to. </p><p>To make up for the ways that he is different to Sangyeon, softly-spoken in spite of his rising volume, a man without a family, someone who has never been brought up with the finer things in life, Sangyeon’s parents fawn all over Jaehyun. Usually Sangyeon is glad that his parents like Jaehyun so much, that they don't even need to put in extra effort to keep up with the strange cadence of what he considers to be a joke. </p><p>Tonight, Sangyeon can barely stand how gracious his parents are. They are proud of the fact that Jaehyun is bringing in his own contacts and securing contracts for his department at work. Such achievements are worth the extra hours at work and all the sacrifices which accompany exhaustion and a skewed work-life balance. </p><p>Of course, even as Sangyeon’s parents are heaping on their praises, noting how familiar they are with hard work themselves as they prepare for debates and campaigns and elections, Jaehyun is still distracted. </p><p>Sangyeon kicks his shin beneath the table and gets a mildly miffed expression for his trouble. Jaehyun turns his phone face-down and pours drinks for Sangyeon’s parents. </p><p>"I heard on the news that there have been small protests by people who have heard you are interested in running for presidency," Jaehyun says as he slides a glass towards Sangyeon’s mum. She smiles and waves her hand in front of her face before changing the motion into a discreet hairsweep. </p><p>"I can take it all in my stride," Sangyeon’s mum says with a smile. "A bit of complaining isn't a bother. I suppose the bombscares are more of a concern, but nothing to worry about." </p><p>"Bombs?" Sangyeon splutters. His parents both roll their eyes as though he hasn't been paying any attention. </p><p>"It was reported as a minor gas-leak."</p><p>"That doesn't sound like a scare, that sounds like a real bomb," Sangyeon says as he nudges Jaehyun for a better reaction than just gormlessly raising his eyebrows. </p><p>"It was just a stationary cupboard and the adjacent toilet, nothing big."</p><p>"Something blew up?" Sangyeon asks. At least Jaehyun looks sufficiently surprised at that. "There was an actual explosion in your building?" </p><p>"Stop worrying. You'll start aging quicker than Jaehyun," Sangyeon’s dad says as he accepts his drink from Jaehyun with a smile. "Nobody was hurt." </p><p>"Nobody aside from the insurance premiums," Sangyeon’s mum notes sourly. </p><p>"I'm glad that you're alright," Jaehyun says. "I hope something like this won't deter you from running in the election." </p><p>"Of course not. It goes to show that my message is important if simple-minded criminals wish to silence me."</p><p>If Sangyeon had been told earlier that something reported as a dodgy boiler was actually sinister in nature he would have pressed his parents for answers before now. His mum has her supporters but discovering that her detractors aren't anywhere near as mild shouldn't be something so easily brushed away. </p><p>Watching his parents across the table, Sangyeon sees two people who aren't weighed down with any concerns which are life threatening. He wonders whether they are simply good at pretending or they genuinely aren't concerned. If they look to scrutinise their son, Sangyeon wonders what they will see. A man who can't commit to pretending the deepening distance with his husband is negligible? A man who can't cope with nights lying alone in bed spent trying to work out where Jaehyun met his paramour. </p><p>As though intent to destroy whatever illusory composure Sangyeon has, Jaehyun checks his phone a few times before eventually saying that he needs to leave. </p><p>Jaehyun's apology almost sounds sincere as he trails his fingertips at the nape of Sangyeon’s neck and promises to make things up to him with guarantees of having more time next month. It isn't fair. He can't leave now and expose the miserable truth. But Jaehyun smiles as he shrugs on his jacket and offers oddly phrased apologies to Sangyeon’s parents. </p><p>Sangyeon needs to make his own way home it seems. He tries to smile his way through the rest of the meal but pretending is hard enough that Sangyeon needs to give up and go home. He can't unfasten his measured expression from his face, not when his parents insist on him taking their car home. He opts for excusing the miserable drag of his face as exhaustion — and it isn't strictly a lie — but he finds himself surprised by just how tiring it is to wait until he is home to sink into disappointment the way he wants to. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>After the flat denials of anything untoward from Sooyoung, Sangyeon hasn't admitted his suspicions to anyone, not even the friends he knew before Jaehyun. He has trawled through forums and internet posts, unsurprised yet disappointed by how common an issue infidelity is. Suspecting affairs almost appears to be a rite of passage, whether it breaks a marriage or not, but Sangyeon could have done without this. He wants to be happy. </p><p>As many helpful clues and tips as there are, Sangyeon spots comments refuting the posts. The people denying the claims of the post author use words like 'confirmation bias' and accuse the original poster of preying on people's insecurities for hits. </p><p>The apparent determination to protect people who are too easily influenced sounds nice but Sangyeon doesn't think those people know what it is like to see the clues stacking up. Jaehyun is so secretive these days, and he has never been like this before. Sangyeon knows him. Of course Sangyeon knows what is wrong. </p><p>For once, Jaehyun doesn't seem to have anywhere to go. They make dinner together, they eat, they do the dishes together, they catch up on some of the dramas they have been meaning to watch, they wash up for bed, they make love in the dark. Or that is the plan. This isn't the first time it has happened to either of them, but they haven't had sex in almost a month and Sangyeon is feeling more desperate than ever to at least feel like he is a man who could make his husband happy. But he isn't. He can't. </p><p>Sangyeon is useless, impotent in every sense, and the pity in Jaehyun's eyes as he strokes his hand over Sangyeon’s arm pushes him right over the edge. </p><p>"Shall I—?" </p><p>"Don't touch me," Sangyeon hisses, his pride too obviously injured. He twists away from Jaehyun and pulls a barrier of bedsheets over him, meagre separation. </p><p>Soundlessly, Jaehyun gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom. He is gone for a while and Sangyeon doesn't need the damning silence to tell him that he has made things worse. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Though he had been searching for evidence of the affair, something material he could brandish in Jaehyun's face which carries more weight than his own hysterics, Sangyeon finds something even more inexplicable. </p><p>There aren't the usual signs Sangyeon would expect to find. No flirtatious messages on Jaehyun's main phone; no scratches on his back clawed into the pristine expanse of skin during nights of passion; no lipstick prints on Jaehyun's collars; no lingering fragrance of perfumes, colognes, or even anything as obvious as the cloying scent of sex. Jaehyun is careful. Sangyeon hadn't expected to find anything that clumsy despite the fact he was compelled to search. </p><p>But he finds something. </p><p>Not proof of an affair as far as Sangyeon could tell. </p><p>There is no covert hiding place for what Sangyeon finds but he wishes Jaehyun had seen fit to put in the extra effort to cover his tracks. In the drawer where they keep their passports and remnants of currency they hadn't ever bothered changing back to won, as though they belong, Sangyeon finds passports with different coloured covers. Blue covers and red covers kept beside the green which had been used to holiday abroad over the course of their relationship. There are other documents too; I.D. cards, and licences, and certificates with unfamiliar names. The photographic identification is what churns up the sickness in Sangyeon’s stomach. Jaehyun's picture sits alongside unfamiliar names. And Sangyeon’s picture is in some of these passports too. </p><p>Joel Kim, Yang Kyungsil, Yoon Seung, Liu JunBiao, and so many other names that don't match their faces. </p><p>Some of the passports with Jaehyun's pictures have been stamped. Used to take trips into Russia, and China, and a smattering of other countries. </p><p>Jaehyun has been through several jobs and has travelled for work but Sangyeon hadn't realised just how many trips were taken. Nobody should have so many passports which allow him through borders. </p><p>Sangyeon sets the documents on the dining room table and waits for Jaehyun to return home. </p><p>"Did you eat out?" Jaehyun asks when he finally returns. He presses a kiss to Sangyeon’s temple. To his credit he doesn't even look phased as he leans over the table of evidence. </p><p>"I haven't eaten yet."</p><p>"Shall I start something quick? It is pretty late though. Maybe we should order instead."</p><p>"I'm not hungry."</p><p>Jaehyun's fingers creep around Sangyeon’s jaw and tilt his head up. "Are you sick?" </p><p>"Something like that," Sangyeon agrees. He reaches for a passport and flips it open to the front page. "This almost looks real. I had no idea that you were a citizen of New Zealand, Joel."</p><p>"It's just a good fake," Jaehyun says evenly. </p><p>"Why?" </p><p>"Don't worry about it," Jaehyun says as he fetches up the other documents. </p><p>Sangyeon watches all of the passports and I.D. cards stacked up in Jaehyun's hands. </p><p>"It's funny," Sangyeon says. "I thought it was something simple. For weeks I have suspected you are cheating on me. You're too good for me though. You cleared up your tracks so I couldn't find any actual proof. I don't know who it is, where you're meeting, or anything useful like that. Just these things. And I don't know what it means."</p><p>"It's not funny," Jaehyun says. His voice is low, almost dangerous as he stares down at Sangyeon. "How could a thought like that ever cross your mind? You really think I could cheat on you?" </p><p>"It isn't funny," Sangyeon agrees. "But you're being weird and secretive, and you come and go at weird times, and you have hardly slept here over the past few weeks. Why is that?" </p><p>"I'm not cheating on you, Sangyeon." </p><p>Sangyeon isn't convinced. Stark horror is the expression that remains once the blood has drained from Jaehyun's face but it isn't enough to upset the swell of certainty in Sangyeon’s mind. The suspicion doesn't exist for no reason. Sangyeon’s head is full of the thoughts, the little things he hadn't paid attention to, and they all gathered and distilled to this singular point of clarity. Jaehyun is a liar, and he hadn't even needed to be a good one at that. </p><p>They fight and it feels like the first time. Sangyeon says all sorts of things that he has never said before, spitting out the words before the acid sears through his tongue, and he feels sick as Jaehyun stands in their dining room dumbstruck. </p><p>The more Sangyeon says, the more nonsensical evidence he levels against Jaehyun, the more things he remembers and the more he hurls at the man who was supposed to love him. </p><p>Jaehyun never listens the way he used to before, always preoccupied with something or other, and right now he is no different as Sangyeon lists dates that they have missed, plans cancelled at the last minute, reminders Sangyeon had given Jaehyun only to be let down time and time again. </p><p>Eventually, Jaehyun bites back. He accuses Sangyeon of fabricating things, blowing things out of proportion, only none of this is false. Sangyeon has lived through these past few months and seen all the ways that Jaehyun has pulled away from him. If he knew who this was all for that would be another barb to embed itself in Jaehyun's skin but all he has are the things he has felt and known himself. </p><p>It is enough. It is enough to see the hurt that simmered inside him scald whitehot over Jaehyun's face as he tries to defend himself. </p><p>Crying at a time like this feels pathetically miserable. Even if Sangyeon aches right down to his core, crying is pathetic. Whilst shouting back, pity is pouring from Jaehyun's eyes and Sangyeon hates it, but if Jaehyun can love someone else then Sangyeon can live without being loved by Jaehyun. </p><p>They sleep separately, Sangyeon in the guest room because he can't bear being in the bed that should be theirs, but even on a night like tonight Sangyeon hears Jaehyun leave before midnight. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>The earth is moving — not the way it used to on torrid nights during the late autumn when Sangyeon first met Jaehyun — and flashes of light are more nonsense to disorient him. Drifting into consciousness, Sangyeon tastes salt in the air. </p><p>Sangyeon hasn't dreamt of the sea in quite some time. He doesn't like this dream. He wants to awaken from this vertigo and the sandgrain abrasion he feels inside his throat. Still, the pain drags through the fug of his barely conscious mind. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>The weight pinning Sangyeon’s body is unfortunately internal. He can just about move but his entire body aches as he tries to roll upright. Just because he is pinned down from within it doesn't mean external factors can't assist him in his immediate goals. </p><p>Blinking away his bleariness, Sangyeon stares up at Sooyoung. Behind her the neutral expanse of nothingness solidifies into the bland walls of a narrow, windowless room. The paint is chipped in areas though one wall must have been recently repainted. Since then, a lot of dust and dirt has accumulated around the perimeter along with insect carcasses scattered over the floor. A juddering vent is slotted near the low ceiling but aside from a makeshift curtain, a sink, some shelves and broken stools, and a stack of motheaten blankets there isn't much else here. </p><p>The only point of familiarity is Sooyoung's hand on his shoulder, though the neutral expression on her face is far from familiar. </p><p>"Sooyoung," Sangyeon rasps through the dry tackiness of his mouth. "What is going on?" </p><p>She frowns. "Don't you remember?" </p><p>"Remember what? Where is Jaehyun? Is he alright?" </p><p>Relief spills out of Sooyoung's mouth and her face settles into something almost glad as she stands up straight. </p><p>"He's still good," Sooyoung says. "I'm not sure why he went through the trouble of making sure you don't remember. It isn't like you'll be able to tell anyone."</p><p>Sangyeon doesn't know where he is or what Sooyoung is talking about. Considering this isn't the first time he has been clueless when it comes to Jaehyun, his ignorance feels unbearable right now. </p><p>"What are you talking about?" </p><p>Sooyoung bleeds grace, even balletic as she slides to sit in front of Sangyeon on the filthy floor. Cross-legged, she rests her elbow on her knee and her chin in the palm of her hand. </p><p>"Sangyeon, what do you know about Jaehyun?" </p><p>There is no point in answering that question, listing all the parts of his husband that he has memorised. No matter what he says it is doubtful that he will say whatever he is supposed to know. He keeps his mouth shut, swallows against the aching dryness, and waits. </p><p>Sooyoung smiles. "People here are all awful. Aside from Haseul, everyone I meet here makes me wonder why I ever thought I would be better off here rather than home. I feel sorry for Jaehyun because you're just as bad as the rest of them. Dull, self-absorbed, not particularly bright because you take everything for granted, and you don't even trust the person sleeping in your bed."</p><p>Sangyeon hesitates. "I do trust him." </p><p>"You shouldn't."</p><p>Sangyeon closes his mouth against the protest that Sooyoung had listed distrust as a negative. She is probably right about him not being very bright. There is something else he isn't understanding here but he is certain Sooyoung will get around to addressing it as cryptically as she likes. However she doesn't bother masking her meaning. </p><p>"Jaehyun and I aren't from here. We have a job to do and we must do it well. We're doing well enough that you didn't have a clue. Well enough that you thought us genuine people. But soon enough there won't be any need to endure the intimacy of a person like you for much longer." </p><p>"You're spies?" Sangyeon hazards. Sooyoung presses her lips into a thin line, almost a smile. </p><p>"Something like that." She glances at the thin-strapped watch on her wrist before looking at Sangyeon once more. "I have a wife to get back to so I will say this quickly: your husband was sent here to sabotage the political party your parents are in. A dead son is going to be the reason your mother will decide not to run for president. And then Jaehyun's job will be done." </p><p>Oddly, Sangyeon doesn't feel too surprised by the revelation. It might not be an affair but it makes sense in a way which glances off the numbness of Sangyeon’s confusion. But it doesn't make total sense. </p><p>"When I first met Jaehyun, my mum was in a completely different place in her career. What if she was never going to run for president?"</p><p>Sooyoung nods. "There are more than just the two of us. If by some chance your mother didn't want to become president, Jaehyun would probably have just lived a boring and quiet life with you."</p><p>Sangyeon’s eyes hurt, stinging from an odd pressure, and his head hurts too. In his determined silence, Sooyoung rises to her feet. Of course. She has a wife to get back to after all. </p><p>She makes her way over to some empty metal shelving in the gloom of the other side of the room. Above her is a hatch with a wheel and she climbs up the first few shelves to reach up and twist the hatch open. Greenish light filters down into the bunker when the hatch is thrown open. </p><p>Before she clambers out of sight, Sangyeon has to ask, "Are you pretending too?" </p><p>Sooyoung peers back at him, undisturbed serenity. </p><p>Sangyeon clears his throat though the grit simply shifts deeper into his throat. He is stuck with this pain in his neck, he supposes, a dead man in a sham of a marriage. </p><p>"What is going to happen to Haseul?" </p><p>Sooyoung smiles pleasantly. "She will be fine. I'll make sure of that."</p><p>Sooyoung leaves. The bunker is empty. His hands are bare. Sangyeon wonders whether there is a version of his life where someone wants to make sure he is fine too. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>The hatch opens again long after Sooyoung has gone. Sangyeon doesn't trust the gnawing ache in his stomach to let him know exactly how long has passed, but he feels weak and his head is thumping insistently, pleading with him for something. He can't give his mind rest because any moment he manages to drift off to doze is jolted away from him in an instant. He had considered drinking from the sink beside the makeshift curtain in the corner of the room but the rusted taste of the water which glugged from the tap made him heave. </p><p>This new arrival brings water. Bottled water and a carrierbag of food along with acrid misery which rises to the back of Sangyeon’s throat. </p><p>Even now, Jaehyun's performance is flawless. He has shut them both away in this bunker and he approaches gently, unscrewing the cap from the bottle of water in his hands. </p><p>"Hey, baby, hi. Have you managed to get any rest?" He sounds too much like he cares though it isn't anything close to the truth. </p><p>"Are you kidding?" Sangyeon asks. Jaehyun tilts his head and crouches before him. </p><p>"Sangyeon?" </p><p>"Get away from me."</p><p>Jaehyun looks confused, searching for something in Sangyeon’s face. Whatever he is looking for makes Jaehyun frown. He shakes his head but Sangyeon can't help but notice the red glow around his eyes. </p><p>"What's wrong?" </p><p>"I don't want you anywhere near me."</p><p>"Why?" </p><p>Sangyeon scoffs, not sure what Jaehyun is thinking to even ask the question. The last time they spoke was a fight, something which feels decidedly insignificant considering the truth to their relationship. They hadn't made up. They should still be fighting now, but it isn't real anyway. Of course Jaehyun doesn't care about any of that. Why should he? </p><p>"Jaehyun, I don't think this is the right place for you to keep up your act," Sangyeon points out, voice shaking even as he is backed against the wall. There's no support enough to help him out. </p><p>"What act?" </p><p>"I told you not to come any closer," Sangyeon says. "Why aren't you listening to me?" </p><p>Jaehyun sits back and screws the lid back onto the water bottle. He looks relaxed, ease imbued to him entirely, and Sangyeon doesn't understand anything about this man. </p><p>Using the wall as support, Sangyeon climbs to his feet. Jaehyun's smile shouldn't widen at that yet he looks so glad as he looks up. Sangyeon hates it, hates the adoration which has been synthesised for the sake of fooling him even now when he is far from home and there is no reward for maintaining the careful pretence of marriage. </p><p>"Am I dead?" Sangyeon asks, the words sputtering from between his lips pathetically. </p><p>Disappointment sparks in Jaehyun's eyes and he shakes his head. "Not dead. Just missing. The police found blood and they are testing that but they are positive that you're alive."</p><p>"They aren't going to find me alive, are they?" </p><p>"They aren't going to find you at all," Jaehyun says. Those are not the words Sangyeon wants to hear. The words he wants to hear are disappointingly juvenile, almost idiotic. Jaehyun is never going to admit this is all a joke or a misunderstanding. </p><p>Sooyoung's words about Sangyeon not being bright hadn't hurt at all, disappointingly because they were so accurate. He can't keep being an idiot. He probably isn't going to survive but not putting up a fight would be too pathetic even for him. </p><p>Starving and thirsty, Sangyeon musters up the vestiges of his energy and shoves Jaehyun out of the way so that he can make a dash for the exit. </p><p>The sluggishness of Sangyeon’s motions might just be his downfall because he reaches the rickety shelving and immediately feels hands on him, pulling him back towards the coaxing voice of a man he had trusted in all the wrong ways. </p><p>Slipping away from freedom so miserably, Sangyeon's hands can't grip at the shelving or the framework and he panics. Right beside the only escape route are a couple of stools, easy enough for a starving man to wield. Twisting in the searching grip of Jaehyun’s insistent hands, Sangyeon lunges and grabs a stool. Lifting it over his head, he gives plenty of warning before he brings it crashing down on Jaehyun's head. </p><p>The bile in Sangyeon’s stomach churns up at the sight of Jaehyun lying on the floor and groaning lightly. He deserves it, Sangyeon tells himself, before turning to begin his climb. Unlike when Sooyoung and Jaehyun climbed up and down the structure, the shelves creak, ominous wails as he tries to lift himself up with trembling limbs. </p><p>Opening the hatch above proves to be difficult. The metal numbs Sangyeon’s hands, flakes of rust embedding themselves in his palms as he struggles to twist the wheel. Unable to gain purchase as his stiff fingers feel too brittle against the fulcrum of the turn, panic rises into the back of Sangyeon’s mouth. </p><p>He needs to calm down in order to carefully and deliberately, try not to lose his head so that he can do something as simple as turn a wheel. However urgency is prickling at the back of Sangyeon’s neck, burning through the skin to meet the grim sickness that roils up his chest. </p><p>Except Sangyeon still can't turn the wheel. He can't open the hatch by the time he realises he is doomed, arms pulling him off-balance so that he staggers into Jaehyun. </p><p>Stiff redundance has gathered in Sangyeon’s limbs to further weigh down his body beyond the listless lack of energy from however long he has been without sustenance. He backs against the wall he had found himself earlier, unsure of what to do. Ordinarily he might fancy his chances against Jaehyun but the odds are stacked too high against him. He can't win here. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Back to where he started, Sangyeon knows that his only option here is to lose. He hasn't eaten, doesn't trust the food and water that is provided, and his stomach aches, and his head sears with pain which bursts brighter with each inhale. In spite of the pain, he needs to breathe. It is all he can do. </p><p>Sitting on the floor beside the scratchy blankets that make up his bed, there is no protection between himself and his captor. His husband. Not that Sangyeon really knows this man anymore. </p><p>Agitation is rolling off Jaehyun in waves where he sits on a rickety stool, head bowed so that the sticky-saturation at his crown is visible. His left leg is bouncing despite the weight of his forearm on his thigh. Aside from the rattle of the uneven stool, Jaehyun's breaths gust noisily into this jail. </p><p>Sangyeon is well aware that this is where he will die. Being stolen away in the night and imprisoned with no chance of escape was sign enough, but some naive part of Sangyeon had initially seen Jaehyun and hoped he would be allowed his life until he saw how committed this man was to his act. </p><p>Regardless of the things Sooyoung revealed, Jaehyun has been with Sangyeon for years. Almost eight. Jaehyun has memorised all of Sangyeon’s habits, his pet peeves, the things which bring him joy, his schedule, all the lines of his body and how the elicit reactions of pleasure. Sangyeon feels sick, about ready to heave bile onto the grubby ground. He knows this man won't save him. All the same, vanity has Sangyeon shielding the last flickering embers of hope that he has. </p><p>"Who are you?" Sangyeon rasps. Jaehyun doesn't move, but he replies, muffled and slurred. Sangyeon almost hit him hard enough then. It is a shame he scuppered his chances of escape with his own useless hands. </p><p>"Lee Jaehyun. Your husband."</p><p>"Jaehyun. That's your real name?" </p><p>"Of course it is," Jaehyun groans. </p><p>"You have other names," Sangyeon points out. The passports and ID cards from various countries with various names. "The documents at the house."</p><p>Calling the house 'theirs' hardly seems appropriate but stripping away ownership is too easy. Sangyeon regrets how naturally the words came but there is nothing he should do to take it back. He doesn't own anything with Jaehyun, not with this man who is little more than a stranger. </p><p>"That was all just a precaution. I am still Jaehyun." He lifts his head and he looks close to tears. Jaehyun isn't a person he cries. He cried when he proposed to Sangyeon, and he cried at their wedding, and he cried when he heard that Sooyoung got into a car accident a few years ago. Just three times over the course of seven years. Few enough times that Sangyeon had found him to be a person to rely on with his deepest worries. Few enough times that Sangyeon hadn't noticed that he was acting the whole time. Jaehyun isn't going to cry now, unless Sangyeon somehow hit him hard enough to crack his skull. </p><p>"It must have been hard for you, Jaehyun," Sangyeon says as he leans back against the cold concrete wall. "How did you stop yourself from cringing every time someone like me called your name? You're a good actor. I really had no idea that you hated the way I said your name when we made love."</p><p>Bewildered, Jaehyun shakes his head. He is too good at this. He really looks like he believes his own act. "I don't hate it. Why would I hate it?" </p><p>"Jaehyun, stop it," Sangyeon sighs. "My parents really wasted all that money on my schooling if I ended up being this stupid. A rich kid with parents in politics. It was so easy for you to make me fall for you, but you had to endure years and years with me before your job was done. I just hope you'll give my family the closure of my body after you've killed me."</p><p>Jaehyun stands and the rickety stool clatters to the ground as he sways in place. "What are you talking about?" </p><p>"I have spoken to Sooyoung," Sangyeon says. Hopefully Jaehyun understands what that means. Sangyeon is going to be killed. There is no other reason that an accomplice in this plot would reveal the outlandish truths. Jaehyun needn't try so hard to look like he finds Sangyeon’s words abhorrent. </p><p>"Why would I kill you?" Jaehyun has the gall to ask, his tongue drily swiping over his lips as he struggles to relax his fists. Jaehyun isn't fair. He is the one who has been lying all this time yet he is looking at Sangyeon like he is sickened by what he is hearing. </p><p>"How else are you going to send that message to my mum?" Sangyeon asks, not quite as spitefully as he would like to sound. "She isn't going to be warned off by something as weak as me disappearing. You can't risk me telling everyone your secret. It was the plan all along, wasn't it?" </p><p>Jaehyun takes a step closer but Sangyeon isn't ready. He needs a few moments more, though pulling his knees closer to his chest isn't any sort of defence. </p><p>"Not yet," Sangyeon says quickly. "Please, don't come any closer. Just a few more minutes." </p><p>Jaehyun nods, dismayed. Sangyeon isn't sure what his husband would expect when the title only exists in name. If not for the fact that death is pressing closer to Sangyeon, clogging his mouth and nose with its urgency, he would laugh. Not that this is really funny at all. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>For a long time after fetching Sangyeon water which won't be touched, Jaehyun is quiet. He watches Sangyeon, on his knees. It is almost as though he is waiting for permission to do what he is here for. The instruction isn't going to come from Sangyeon himself. Regardless of whether he has accepted the inevitability of his fate, Sangyeon isn't ever going to tell Jaehyun that he is ready to die. </p><p>Small defiance has Sangyeon wanting to point out as much but he fears how little time he would have left afterwards. Jaehyun takes the chance to speak into the impatient quiet between them. </p><p>"When Sooyoung told me that you thought I was having an affair, I couldn't believe it. We've been together so long, but I had to wonder what sort of man you took me for," Jaehyun says, a woolly gruffness in his tone that usually comes about from exhaustion. "The other night, you accused me of having an affair. You said it to my face and I didn't know what to do. Is that something you think I am capable of?" </p><p>Sangyeon frowns. He says, "You're a spy who is going to kill me. I don't think my opinion of you matters."</p><p>"It matters," Jaehyun says quietly. "I don't understand how we could be together every day, how we could be married, and you could think something like that about me."</p><p>Sangyeon’s mouth is dry. There is no evidence that Jaehyun had ever cheated, so it might not have happened at all, but this misunderstanding is the least of their worries. Nonetheless, the concern on Jaehyun's face looks as genuine as any of the expressions Sangyeon has seen over seven years together. </p><p>"Jaehyun," Sangyeon says, "Do you find it difficult to remember who you are? You say that Lee Jaehyun is your real name, so it must be worse for you to try to separate who you are from the person you had to be in order to trick me."</p><p>Jaehyun's gaze is low as he shakes his head. The dancing of his pupils as he struggles to look at Sangyeon reveals too much. </p><p>"I wasn't tricking you. I really do love you."</p><p>"You didn't meet me by accident," Sangyeon says. "My father was deputy speaker in the National Assembly when we met. That wasn't chance or blind luck. You targeted me. And I fell for it." </p><p>There is no shame in admitting how pathetic he had been. Eight years ago he had been a starry-eyed intern hoping he could take his first steps into changing the world. Things had changed since his country had felt liberation, since the country ruled itself, since the citizens were awarded their voices. Progression was in the fabric of the nation and Sangyeon had wanted to drive it even further. Personal goals and daydreams of heroism didn't blinker Sangyeon to the handsome courier who frequented a great many civic buildings. </p><p>Hindsight gives the frequency of crossed paths their reason, though back then Sangyeon had gladly chalked things up to fate. A short, yet happy marriage doesn't seem worth it now that Sangyeon sees where his fate had led him. </p><p>The world is cruel. Fate and destiny and everything which begs hope are all cruel. Foolishly, Sangyeon had believed he could be happy. Naivety felt more like optimism until this point where Sangyeon realises the course of his life led him to this underground cell where he is faced by the inexplicable consternation on Jaehyun's face. </p><p>"Do you really think that changes the fact that I love you? I have loved you for years," Jaehyun says. "I wouldn't ever hurt you by cheating on you—" </p><p>"We are so far past that," Sangyeon spits. The acerbic words slide right off Jaehyun. He gets up, staggers from the stiffness in his knees, and drops right before Sangyeon. This close, there is no way Jaehyun can ignore the words, though he could do anything in response. There is no point in Sangyeon biting his tongue. "This is worse than cheating."</p><p>"How?" Jaehyun asks. His hands tremble as they graze against Sangyeon’s jaw. He leans in closer. A kiss isn't what Sangyeon expects, but it isn't something that he needs to accept either. </p><p>Sangyeon turns his face away and he only needs to feel the miserable exhale against his cheek. </p><p>"You didn't love me. You were forced to be with me. You don't love me," Sangyeon says. "That is how it is worse." </p><p>"I was instructed," Jaehyun says as he sits back on his heels, "But you need to understand that I love you. I didn't know back then that I could love you. I didn't know that I really was like this, a person who could love someone the way I love you, Sangyeon, but I do. Now and until the end, you're my forever."</p><p>The problem is, Jaehyun doesn't even understand. </p><p>Sangyeon leans as far back as he can to level a glare at Jaehyun. For even as short a time as a second, Jaehyun's pupils don't remain still as he keeps his eyes on Sangyeon’s face. </p><p>"It would be better if you could quickly remember yourself, Jaehyun." </p><p>"I know exactly who I am, Sangyeon." The words tear out of Jaehyun, visceral and sharp, and he clings to Sangyeon’s grubby clothes. "I love you. I can't lose you. I won't let it happen. Please just listen to me."</p><p>"I don't really have a choice," Sangyeon says. Betrayal should be a feeling which decimates affections, but sitting here, trapped in some strange bunker, Sangyeon cannot harden himself completely to the distress of a man he has loved for so long. He is trying his hardest, but seeing grief trickle unbidden from Jaehyun's eyes whilst his ragged breaths peel away from his downturned lips pricks at Sangyeon. He doesn't want to pity this man, but his chest aches and he wants them both to stop feeling. </p><p>"I love you," Jaehyun says, over and over, hushed like a prayer which only reaches Sangyeon’s ears. He wipes his nose on the cuff of his shirt, something Sangyeon’s husband wouldn't ever do. "I love you, Sangyeon, I love you, I love you, I really do."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A while later , Sangyeon needs the toilet. The privacy in this cell is nothing more than a sheet hung up between the metal toilet and the rest of the bunker. His tone is firm as he tells Jaehyun to stay away if he won't leave, though that is probably unnecessary. All the same, he feels uneasy, unfortunately vulnerable with nothing more than a threadbare sheet between the two of them. </p><p>The water glugs out of the tap in rusted spurts over Sangyeon’s hands, quickly freezing the blood which runs back into the stream of his body. The soap has a musty smell which makes Sangyeon cringe as he lathers it over his skin. He isn't intending on needing to use the awful toilet in here again. </p><p>When Sangyeon turns to return to his place on the floor, his approximation of a bed, he doesn't make it further than the step which almost knocks him right into Jaehyun. He retreats, surprised, and disappointed that time has run out so quickly. </p><p>"Now?" Sangyeon asks faintly. He is right up against the wall beside the sink with nowhere to go but he wishes he could shrink further away from Jaehyun's advancement. </p><p>Jaehyun shakes his head but the fact that he keeps moving closer isn't any comfort. Sangyeon feels stupid, flinching away from Jaehyun, because this man looks like someone he was so very fond of, and the faint scent of home lingers when Jaehyun is bare centimetres away. The skin of Jaehyun’s hands feels the same as he reaches for Sangyeon’s hand and holds it to his own chest. </p><p>"Not now," Jaehyun says, no louder than a whisper. "Never. I wouldn't hurt you. I can't. I am still Jaehyun. I am still the man you married."</p><p>Jaehyun's chest is warm, firm, and even this familiarity almost sways Sangyeon from the truth. "You were never that man, Jaehyun."</p><p>A sharp sob slices out of Jaehyun’s mouth, searing against Sangyeon as his hand curls into a fist around Sangyeon’s hand. "Why can't I be that man? I want to be Jaehyun. I want you to be happy that I am someone who loves you."</p><p>Sangyeon wants that too. He took things for granted and he wants to return to his years of ignorance. But loving harder and refusing to restrain himself isn't ever going to dull the ache of this. </p><p>"You can't be that man because nothing you feel is real," Sangyeon says through the clotting of dread in his throat. His face is hot as the tears seep through his eyes and roll down his cheeks. </p><p>Jaehyun clings. Presses tighter and grabs hold of Sangyeon’s worn, old pyjamas, and weeps against his neck. </p><p>Sangyeon’s hands find their home as always against Jaehyun's back, though Sangyeon has been the only one crying in the past. He understands Jaehyun right now, perhaps in the least significant sense. Jaehyun has had to pretend for so long, of course he would struggle with reality finding its way. </p><p>Jaehyun's body is wracked with sobs for so long, Sangyeon wonders whether this is what eight years or more of repression feels like. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"I tried to run away," Jaehyun says, warm and calm against Sangyeon’s neck. </p><p>"From what?" Sangyeon asks, steeping in the cloying dread of Jaehyun’s breath over his skin. </p><p>"Home," Jaehyun says though that doesn't illuminate much about the home he is thinking of. "I wanted to go because… I wasn't going to be happy there. My family understood why and they said not to worry about them. So I found a broker who would help me. And I got caught. Sooyoung and I tried to escape at the same time and we both got caught. That was how we met. I thought I was going to prison. But instead they trained me for this, for coming here to the South, to practise my accent, to act like people here do, to understand what I should do… with someone like you. Just in case."</p><p>Sangyeon’s hands tighten at Jaehyun's back in response though he knows he should do the opposite as he offers his apology. There can't be many things worse than thinking about how Jaehyun was made to do things he shouldn't have had to, even with him. Being a spy should be all about life and death, brief seduction to gain information, almost like being a hero, not building a life with someone and being trained not to recoil at every touch. </p><p>Jaehyun is already shaking his head before he draws back to catch the glum gaze of Sangyeon’s eyes. </p><p>"Don't say sorry. Please, don't be sorry," Jaehyun says, hushed. "I wanted to be happy just like everyone else was. I wanted love and it was granted to me, just not in a way that made you happy." </p><p>The years of being together, being married, have given Sangyeon a solid idea of what he thinks Jaehyun's face looks like when he is the most sincere. Of course, all those moments were false, but seeing Jaehyun attempt the feeling now churns the guilt in Sangyeon’s stomach. </p><p>"You made me happy," Sangyeon whispers, "I was happy all the time I was with you." </p><p>"Can… Can I make you happy in future too?" Jaehyun asks thickly as he runs his hands up and down Sangyeon’s arms. </p><p>Sangyeon shakes his head. "I don't have long left anyway. I can be happy to be with you until then."</p><p>Jaehyun's face crumples and he grips Sangyeon tighter. "No. I want you to escape. I want to run away with you. I want to be happy away from here. Can we do that, Sangyeon? Can we?" </p><p>Already, Sangyeon has nothing to lose, but having the hope glimmering in Jaehyun's eyes feels almost like too much. He feels like an idiot, a fool falling for crocodile tears, but he can't lose who he is and how he loves this man who has lied to him since the day they met. </p><p>"You can make me happy."</p><p>Relief seeps out of Jaehyun, almost genuine, and Sangyeon thinks it isn't so bad if he can make Jaehyun look this happy one last time before he dies. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>In the bunker, they get the closest they have to having sex in months. It isn't anything like love-making of the past but it feels reminiscent of something when they have their hands shoved into each other's pants. The urgency as Jaehyun pulls Sangyeon close, tugging at his clothes and whispering promises of devotion, isn't the same as what Sangyeon is used to. But it is relief. </p><p>On the dirty floor of the bunker, because the scant comfort of the scratchy blankets is no use at all, Sangyeon pretends this is what home feels like. </p><p>Things have changed but the afterglow is still the same. As they lean against the wall, limbs sprawled together. Sangyeon lets Jaehyun cling to him and he chances bringing his fingertips up to feel the tacky clot at Jaehyun's crown. A quiet hiss and then Jaehyun is leaning up to fix Sangyeon with a glare. </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"That hurts," Jaehyun mutters. </p><p>"I hardly touched you," Sangyeon retorts, his lips pulling into an unfortunate smile. This is too normal. It really is like they are home. </p><p>"When you hit me, I was actually sort of relieved," Jaehyun confesses, quiet enough that this sounds like a real secret. But Sangyeon isn't sure he can take total transparency at a time like this. </p><p>"Is there something else you have been hiding from me all this time? I was clueless about the masochism too if it helps."</p><p>Sangyeon can't quite joke about this, he winces at his own words and regrets saying them even though Jaehyun smiles and presses his lips to his chest. </p><p>"I was glad because it meant I wouldn't have to worry too much about you if anything happened to me." </p><p>"What's that supposed to mean?" Sangyeon asks though he isn't sure that he wants to really know.</p><p>"You've never really had to face danger or anything like that before," Jaehyun says as he threads his fingers through Sangyeon’s and tightly clasps their hands together. "I have been trained to fight, and to kill, and to do things that you don't have to do. You live a nice, normal life. Knowing that you can look after yourself is good."</p><p>"I've done my military service," Sangyeon points out. Jaehyun smiles and kisses his Knuckles, almost patronising somehow.</p><p>"I know. But it still isn't the same, and I am glad you haven't had to be tested in the ways that I have. You have it in you to survive."</p><p>Sangyeon isn't so sure Jaehyun should be saying things like this. Resignation has Sangyeon succumbing to his disquiet at not being able to recognise the feelings he has towards Jaehyun down in this bunker. This is a reminder. They are different. Knowing Sangyeon is surely one of the tasks Jaehyun has had to withstand, one of the reasons for his training. </p><p>Rather than dwelling on the truths to the situation, the meager time he has left, Sangyeon would rather change the subject. "You should probably see a doctor about your head. You probably have a concussion."</p><p>"That's not important right now," Jaehyun says quietly. "When we have found somewhere safe to settle, then I can get checked out."</p><p>Any hypothetical hopes of running away together are far off. Sangyeon isn't stupid enough to think anything like that could happen so he would prefer Jaehyun allow him to care just a little bit before his time is up. </p><p>"If it is a bad concussion you would be dead before we get anywhere."</p><p>"At least then nobody would be able to find you. You'd be safe."</p><p>"What is that supposed to mean?" </p><p>"I won't be able to come with you if I can't remove my chip," Jaehyun says as he rests his ear against Sangyeon’s shoulder. The words come out so plainly that Sangyeon barely registers how strange they are. </p><p>"Chip?" </p><p>"I'm not sure when it was implanted but I have a chip. It has a code so that if my body is recovered it can be identified. And obviously that is how they can always find me."</p><p>Sangyeon doesn't ask who 'they' are. It isn't important because he begins to consider the fact that this isn't quite how it seems. Perhaps Sangyeon had never noticed any signs of espionage because none existed. A delusion which set in a few months prior would make more sense. </p><p>Their linked hands rest on Sangyeon’s thigh. Jaehyun's hand looks the same as always, an odd comfort in this moment, but there are things where the differences aren't visible. Sangyeon peers down at Jaehyun's head resting on his shoulder. He wouldn't be able to see directly into Jaehyun's mind to see the differences there either. But he realises that the absurdity of things which were heightened by his own paranoia and fear only added false authenticity. </p><p>Jaehyun looks up at Sangyeon, patient and quiet. He doesn't have the crazed look in his eyes which is typical in fiction, he hasn't since they have been down here, but something like that would be too obvious. The fact remains that something is wrong. </p><p>"I think we should get you to a hospital," Sangyeon says evenly. "You can't judge a head injury yourself and doctors will be able to help you—" </p><p>"We're not going to a hospital," Jaehyun says firmly. He sits up straight, leans away from Sangyeon and looses his hand to feel clumsily around the base of his skull. "We don't have time to see a doctor. The fact that I have stayed in this place for so long is going to look suspicious. We need to hurry up and remove the microchip."</p><p>"I really think you need to see a doctor Jaehyun. There are specialists who will be able to help you in the way that you need. If we can't afford it I can ask my parents to help. You know they care about you a lot too."</p><p>Jaehyun continues pressing his fingertips around his hairline as though he thinks he might find anything. "They don't have specialists to remove microchips, Sangyeon. If we go to a hospital asking for that they'll just think we're…" </p><p>Sangyeon holds his breath, knowing that nothing he can say to Jaehyun's trailing silence will be formed with the right words. Jaehyun drops his hands and slowly looks at Sangyeon. </p><p>"You think I'm crazy," Jaehyun says, not a question. </p><p>"I wouldn't say 'crazy', I am just worried about you."</p><p>"Smashing a stool over my head definitely shows how concerned you are," Jaehyun grumbles as he shifts further away from Sangyeon. "You're not serious, are you? Do you think I am making this up?" </p><p>That is a difficult question. The fabrication of the scenario wasn't really made up by Jaehyun, not if he thought it was the truth. Sangyeon shakes his head. "I… You know that I love you, don't you, Jaehyun? This doesn't change that fact. I want you to get better and I will be there every step of the way to make sure it happens."</p><p>The corners of Jaehyun’s lips twitch and he shakes his head. "How did I not see this coming? Sangyeon, I don't have time to convince you that this is all true. I will keep the microchip for now. We can't be together though. You'll have to go ahead without me." </p><p>"Go where?" Sangyeon asks. He wants to reach out to Jaehyun, to touch him, to feel grounded, but he can't. Fear is enough to keep his hands curled into useless fists. </p><p>"Hong Kong." </p><p>"Why would I go to Hong Kong, Jaehyun? Please, just listen to me."</p><p>"Sangyeon, you're already dead," Jaehyun says, unfortunately serious whilst fixing him with a steady glare. "You can't go home and I want to keep you safe and alive." </p><p>It sounds futile. Sangyeon isn't going to be able to convince Jaehyun to seek help of his own volition, still clinging firmly to the situation he believes to be the truth. The only hope Sangyeon has of helping his husband is deception. So he agrees to go to Hong Kong though he can't imagine how a supposedly dead person would be capable of such a thing. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>The world outside the bunker is doused in darkness. Time has passed too quickly since Sangyeon has been in the bunker. He wants to ask how long he has been here though he supposes it must have only been one day. Rather than ask the stupid question </p><p>Jaehyun insists on driving. Sangyeon feels well enough in fresh clothes after an unsatisfactory wash in the grisly bunker sink that he could take them wherever they need to go with whatever directions provided. The expression on Jaehyun's face isn't impressed even when he is reminded of his potential concussion. </p><p>"I'm not stupid, Sangyeon. If you get behind the wheel you're going to take us to a hospital and immediately tell them who you are. If that happens you'll be dead within the day. I'm not going to let that happen to you," Jaehyun grumbles with his fist tight around the keys to the nondescript white van. </p><p>"I won't drive us to a hospital. How would I even know where we are?" </p><p>Though Jaehyun scoffs, Sangyeon wouldn't have been so clumsy as to drive them immediately to a hospital. He needs to pretend to be convinced so that he can lure Jaehyun into cooperation rather than dragging him kicking and screaming. All the same, Sangyeon ends up in the passenger seat intermittently telling Jaehyun to rest if necessary. </p><p> </p><p>Sangyeon isn't sure where exactly the bunker is located because he keeps forgetting to watch out for signage until an hour into the drive. </p><p>Once again, Jaehyun asserts that he is fine as he drives onto the expressway southbound from Chuncheon. They keep driving south, Sangyeon tuning out the breaking news reports about his mother confirming that she won't be running for presidency. They need to go west if they are to reach Incheon. Sangyeon wonders whether Jaehyun has forgotten his plan. </p><p>"Aren't we going to the airport?" Sangyeon asks. </p><p>Jaehyun glances away from the road ahead to smile wryly at Sangyeon through the shine of lights falling through the windscreen. "I can't just drop you off at the airport like this is any ordinary trip. I need to find your body." </p><p>"For goodness sake, Jaehyun." The words come out too terse, too honest, and Sangyeon pauses to attempt a kinder tone when approaching this conversation. "Are you going to kill me or not?" </p><p>"Do you want me to?" </p><p>"Obviously not, but I don't want any of this. Just tell me what is actually happening, otherwise we can forget about doctors and I will just let the police deal with you." </p><p>"If you go to the police you won't be able to hide the fact you're alive and you'll get yourself killed." The forced calm in Jaehyun's voice is clear. At least neither of them are happy right now, Sangyeon supposes. </p><p>"Both of your options sound the same to me."</p><p>"Is that because you're not listening to me now that you think I'm a crazy person?" Jaehyun retorts. </p><p>"What am I supposed to be hearing aside from your weird fixation with me dying?" </p><p>"I'm actually more bothered with making sure that doesn't happen," Jaehyun says, fingers blanching as they tighten around the steering wheel. "I have already sorted things out. I have a body, and a safe house to find it in. I have your phone and your ring. Enough bits and pieces for you to be identified when hardly anything remains of the body."</p><p>There is only one way of asking what Sangyeon needs to know, and he tries his hardest to keep his voice light. "Is it my body or have you already killed someone else?"</p><p>"That's… You don't need to worry about that," Jaehyun says. He sounds antsy enough that he must have done something awful. Sangyeon swallows back the acrid lump pushing its way into his throat. He needs to be calm. He isn't the one driving and he has no clue when Jaehyun might think of stopping. </p><p>"Jaehyun," Sangyeon tries, his voice wavering where the first cautious tide of stomach acid creeps into his mouth. </p><p>"Whatever you're going to say isn't important. I will call the police when I find the body. By then you will already be going North to the airport for your flight tomorrow evening. You'll have to hitchhike to Daejeon for the KTX to Incheon but I doubt anyone will give you any hassle."</p><p>"Jaehyun, if you've killed someone—" </p><p>"Then what?" Jaehyun interrupts, irate. "Sangyeon, you don't know the half of what is going on around you." </p><p>"So what if there are things I don't know. Let's pretend that all this is real and not your delusions. Do morals not exist anymore? You can't kill people."</p><p>"Delusions? Sangyeon, you spoke to Sooyoung. Am I so crazy that you've caught it too and hallucinated conversations?" Jaehyun asks sardonically. </p><p>That isn't quite so easily explainable. Sangyeon pauses and realises that the radio is still playing. The song seeping out through the radio is an acoustic affair with gentle vocals which struggled to find space in the car alongside the shouting. It is a song that Sangyeon’s Jaehyun had always enjoyed but right now Jaehyun's jaw is clenched tightly enough that he could crack his teeth apart. </p><p>This Jaehyun isn't Sangyeon’s Jaehyun. This man is a killer. This man could do anything and there isn't a thing Sangyeon could do to counter the action. </p><p>"I didn't kill a person to use as your body," Jaehyun says. "I got a deer and dissolved it down. Are you happy now?" </p><p>Killing an animal for a purpose like this is no better. This doesn't weigh so heavily against Sangyeon’s conscience though. </p><p>"How did you get Sooyoung to help you?" Sangyeon asks quietly. </p><p>"She isn't," Jaehyun mutters. He allows another car to overtake them before he crosses the lanes ready for the next sliproad. "Sooyoung thinks she is helping with our mission. If she knew what I was doing to keep you alive she would kill me."</p><p>"How did you get her to help you with your mission?" </p><p>"I don't know, Sangyeon, maybe she's crazy too," Jaehyun says. </p><p>"I'm not saying that you're—" </p><p>"Yes you are," Jaehyun barks. A second later he deflates, eyes focused on the road ahead. "It sounds crazy, I know it does. I just want you to believe me enough to not die."</p><p>No matter what Sangyeon says feels like the set up for a trap in which he is the only one ensnared. He wants to go home and sleep in his own bed and wake up in the morning with a Jaehyun who sounds saner than he does right now. From here, returning home is no easy feat and Sangyeon hasn't a clue how to convince Jaehyun that things are fine, that he has always been here and he will always be safe. Perhaps being more careful of how questions are phrased will bring better results. </p><p>"How long have you believed that I am going to die?"</p><p>"I was only told to do it a couple of months ago. I thought… I didn't think that would end up being the order." </p><p>"You only started acting strange a few months ago. So the onset—" </p><p>"Wouldn't you start acting strange too, Sangyeon?" Jaehyun interrupts. "If you had convinced your target to really love you, and you enjoy being together too much until you realise that you don't deserve a person like this. The best thing to have come into your life — something you couldn't even have imagined when you were desperate to leave everything you knew for the sake of finding someone else like you — and then being told that you have to kill them? You'd just be normal after all of that?"</p><p>Sangyeon swallows down a lump in his throat. Every word could be a lie but it won't stem the guilt flowing through his chest at the fact he was convinced Jaehyun didn't love him at all. </p><p>The words that Jaehyun says sound like they could be true. Any mentions of life before are vague enough that they can't be scrutinised and Sangyeon wonders just how self-absorbed he has been to know nothing of the man he married. </p><p>Jaehyun has no family, doesn't have any friends who have stuck around the way Sooyoung has, always manages to change the subject when asked deeper questions about growing up, and Sangyeon hasn't questioned any of it for eight years. He really must be awful to go almost a decade talking of nothing but himself. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The hour is getting later though Jaehyun isn't pulling off the expressway to take a nap. They reach a service station and after freshening up Sangyeon goes inside the petrol station to have a look at the snacks on the shelves. </p><p>With death not looming so insistently over him, Sangyeon has regained all the hunger which should have been gnawing at his insides during the hours in the bunker. </p><p>Outside the mirror-dark window, Jaehyun is refuelling the white van. He doesn't look as though he owns the vehicle. He looks more like an inexperienced renter who must be moving something big, perhaps even his whole life, in the back of the van. Sangyeon hadn't bothered looking into the back but he is curious why Jaehyun would need such a smelly old van, even if he decided he needed something else to be inconspicuous. </p><p>Jaehyun doesn't stand out much here but he isn't completely invisible. Someone would remember seeing him if asked despite not noticing him at the time. Sangyeon can't help but watch, neglecting his search for food to watch a person he hasn't seen enough to satisfy a lifetime. </p><p>"Do you know him?" </p><p>Sangyeon knocks several bags of crisps from the display as he turns to the person who spoke. He picks them up quickly, watched by the woman who has a curious expression in her eyes. </p><p>"Sorry. Hi. Yes, I know him," Sangyeon says, feeling oddly conspicuous as he gestures to Jaehyun through the glass. Whether Jaehyun can avoid arousing too much suspicion, Sangyeon isn't anywhere near as blessed. </p><p>"Are you lying?" The words come through an almost conspiratorial smile, quickly followed by, "Does he know you?" </p><p>"I'm not lying," Sangyeon says despite the guilt climbing up his throat. "We're travelling together."</p><p>The woman taps her fingertip to her chin. There is something almost playful in the gesture as her pale hair floats around her as incidental as dustmotes in the air. Sangyeon isn't sure why he feels he needs to convince someone who barely has a substantial existence as it is. With the woman's next words it seems he has failed anyway. "I'm not sure if I believe you. Aren't you just some creep watching that man? What are you going to do to him?" </p><p>Strangers shouldn't be like this. Sangyeon glances through the window and Jaehyun is gone. Already, Sangyeon has done something to Jaehyun. It hasn't been so long since Sangyeon brought a stool down on Jaehyun's head, an odd relic of panic considering more recent realisations, but a concussion only looks more certain now. </p><p>"I need to go," Sangyeon mutters before he rushes to the doorway. Jaehyun isn't paying at the counter for the diesel and he isn't visible outside. He could have collapsed, hidden on the other side of the van, or he could have wandered off due to a lapse in memory. </p><p>Sangyeon dodges cars pulling onto the forecourt but he doesn't find Jaehyun lying unconscious anywhere around the white van. There is no sign of Jaehyun doddering into the distance either. Now is as good a time as ever to get help. He tries the handles on each side but the doors are locked so he can't get to Jaehyun's phone. His last hope are the rear doors but the buttons set into the handles are stiff. </p><p>"You're not convincing me that you're not a suspicious person." </p><p>The woman sweeps her blonde hair over her shoulder as she watches Sangyeon with an unimpressed expression moulding the earnest features of her face. </p><p>"I'm not suspicious," Sangyeon grumbles as he turns back to the task at hand. "This is an emergency. Do you know how to break into vans like this? Or could you lend me your phone or something?" </p><p>The woman doesn't answer and Sangyeon shouldn't be surprised that she hadn't ever intended to be helpful. </p><p>"You're accusing me of being crazy, but isn't talking to yourself the first sign of madness?" </p><p>Sangyeon whirls around but he isn't sure whether he is more relieved or disappointed to see Jaehyun there. He wasn't talking to himself but Jaehyun should have seen the woman. She can't have disappeared. Though floaty as she seems, her bleached hair isn't exactly suitable to blend into the night. Nonetheless, Sangyeon suspects he shouldn't mention the woman at all. </p><p>"Shouldn't that be hearing voices?" Sangyeon asks, his own voice strained on the suggestion. </p><p>"You're crazier than I thought if you aren't even responding to anything," Jaehyun says with a small smile. "What are you doing? Do you want to ride in the back?" </p><p>Sangyeon drops his hands away from the van handles, hating how he feels like he is worried about getting in trouble. "I just wanted to get inside the van to find your phone. You disappeared so I thought you might have collapsed somewhere. I was going to call an ambulance for you in case you were hurt."</p><p>"Is that your story?" </p><p>Sangyeon knows that he is over-explaining things, practically admitting to guilt, and the expression on Jaehyun's face tells of his amusement at the fact. Feeling caught out by Jaehyun is reminiscent of the past, old days when they could never properly keep surprises as surprises, except this is different because the stakes are much higher than Jaehyun spotting shoe boxes which haven't yet been wrapped for his birthday. </p><p>"Can you stick close to me until you have to go?" Jaehyun asks as he crosses the night-slick concrete of the forecourt and reaches for Sangyeon’s hands. "I am going to miss you a lot when you're gone, even if it is for the best."</p><p>Sangyeon nods and grips Jaehyun's hands tightly. He doesn't have any other choice but to pretend he trusts this man who needs looking after. "I'll stay with you."</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>The carrier bag of supplies picked up from the petrol station — snacks and a few travel-sized containers of deodorant and toothpaste — sits on Sangyeon’s lap as Jaehyun continues the drive. At this point, Jaehyun must be exhausted but he is insistent about driving to their destination. </p><p>They leave the brightly lit expressway and take to winding country roads illuminated only by the cat's eyes reflecting the van headlights. Even when the foliage parts, the moon and stars shining from the naked sky do nothing to show the road ahead. </p><p>Exhaustion, darkness, and a concussion all sound like a recipe for disaster and Sangyeon isn't surprised so much as vindicated when the van begins to drift away from the centre of the lane. </p><p>"Jaehyun!" </p><p>Sangyeon reaches to stir him from his stupour but Jaehyun turns bright eyes on him. There is an odd glint in drawing Sangyeon’s gaze to the flat blackness of his pupils. He is awake, wide awake, and that fact alone is terrifying. </p><p>Like this, a life feels too short. The van accelerates, veering onto the hard shoulder and Sangyeon realises that he wouldn't be able to trust anyone to hold his life in their hands. Every spark of happiness which has flickered through Sangyeon’s life blurs across the aurora of headlights. </p><p>"Please don't do this," Sangyeon says. </p><p>Jaehyun disarms the locks on the doors with a flick and click. </p><p>"Sangyeon, I will give you a count. Before we get to the trees, open your door and roll out. Hold the backpack in front of your face with your forearms."</p><p>Sangyeon tests the door. It opens, swinging out of his grip too quickly. The frigid wind bites at Sangyeon’s fingertips and pushes its way beneath his sleeves. Jaehyun is accelerating once more. </p><p>"Jaehyun, what are you doing?" </p><p>"This is all part of the plan. Are you ready?" </p><p>A smile. Sangyeon is by no means ready but Jaehyun slows down, tells him "Now," and the desperation to survive propels him out of the van door. </p><p>The ground is ready even if Sangyeon is not. The asphalt gleefully drags at his coat and his jeans until he skids onto the grassy verge and his momentum isn't enough to launch him up the slope. The red lights on the rear of the van dance as the vehicle bounces up the slope and then it vanishes over the peak of the hill. Through the dense darkness which shrouds him, Sangyeon can hear the engine trundling on until the sickening crunch of metal reaches his ears. The engine whirrs uselessly and there is nothing else. </p><p>Sangyeon waits though he doesn't know what he expects. He peels himself off the ground gingerly, the wind lashing against the exposed scrapes and grazes where the road reminded him just how foolish he is. Still there is nothing. Sangyeon hobbles up the verge with the backpack and the shredded carrier bag in hand, and scrambles down the other side towards the smoking glow of the van. </p><p>"Jaehyun!" He calls out. No answer. Only his harsh breaths clogging his ears so all the realities of catastrophe remain at the front of his mind. </p><p>The back doors of the van are open, possibly burst open from the impact of the van against the creaking tree above. When Sangyeon reaches the van and turns the corner to the driver's side, seeing Jaehyun standing at the open door, leaning heavily at the side of the van, has him sagging in relief. </p><p>He's fine. He isn't really, he can't be after being hit over the head and crashing a van into a tree, but seeing him far more alive than he should be has Sangyeon bleeding relief as he surges forwards and pulls Jaehyun close. </p><p>"Stupid, stupid, stupid," Sangyeon sighs against Jaehyun's mouth. "Don't you ever scare me like that again."</p><p>Jaehyun smiles as he moulds himself to the tight embrace of Sangyeon’s searching hands. It is only like this that Sangyeon can be certain of anything, the solid presence of a man he has known and loved for far too long. Maybe he is alright. Maybe they can be happy. Jaehyun kisses back and Sangyeon wouldn't mind if his last moments played out like this, breathless sparks floating across his mind as Jaehyun drains fragments of his soul. </p><p>An odd scuffing noise jolts Sangyeon out of his moments of bliss, too close to be anything like a fox or a badger. When Sangyeon draws away and peers around Jaehyun he isn't sure what he is looking at through the navy-grey of night. </p><p>"Sangyeon, it's fine, don't worry—" </p><p>"Is that a person?" He asks, voice barely making it past his teeth as he points at the heap that slid onto the damply rotting leaves. Jaehyun doesn't give the obvious answer. "Jaehyun, who is that? Who… Why is that…" </p><p>Words don't come easily. The body lying limp on the ground is still half in the van and Sangyeon needs to know where this person came from. </p><p>"Where did this person come from?" Sangyeon breathes. He doesn't want to get too close when his nose is already singed by the cloying fragrance of dread. </p><p>"He was in the back of the van. This is his van, actually." </p><p>"He was in the van the whole time?" Sangyeon asks. Though he tries to pull away, Jaehyun's grip is tight around Sangyeon’s arms, inhibiting any real escape. "You know that this isn't right, don't you? You can't just kill people and… I'm going to be sick. I can't believe you."</p><p>The grip of Jaehyun’s hands on Sangyeon’s arms stop him from sinking properly to the ground. </p><p>"Don't throw up here, Sangyeon, wait a bit, alright?" </p><p>"I hate you so much," Sangyeon groans, swallowing back the rising bile as quickly as he can. His chest burns yet that is a relatively small pain to endure. "That's a person, with a life, and a family, and you've just—" </p><p>"He's not. He's like me. I know you don't believe me, but he was planted here the same way I was. If someone like that comes to kill you, obviously I am going to do whatever I can for you to survive." </p><p>Nothing that Jaehyun says makes any sense, that much should have been obvious to Sangyeon. What is most concerning is the ways Jaehyun is trying to rationalise things. Even if his words were the truth, he was the agent of a different state despatched to disrupt politics, it is the worst justification of all. </p><p>"He's like you?" Sangyeon asks as he tears his arm away from Jaehyun. The sagging corpse which fell out of the van would have embedded himself into someone's life if the fantasy was real. Tearing away parasites like that only ever leave scars from the barbs embedded in the hosts. It isn't ever a clean separation. "So he could be married too? There could be be someone out there wondering why their husband isn't coming home? He could have kids, Jaehyun. Their dad isn't going to come home ever again." </p><p>Through the filtered depth of the dark, the expression on Jaehyun's face isn't quite remorse. More like regret that they are having this conversation in the first place. </p><p>"Sangyeon—" </p><p>"Is it different for him and you? If this was real, that could be you. Insignificant because someone else decided it even though you're everything to me."</p><p>"He was sent to kill you because I wasn't trusted to do the job myself," Jaehyun says. He digs his nails in harder through Sangyeon’s sleeve. "If I have to choose between you losing me or you losing your life it is obvious which is worse. And if you are going to meltdown here there isn't even a choice. You're not going to survive." </p><p>Sangyeon gets to his feet and shoves Jaehyun away. Looking around the dense woods, there isn't much visibility. This is as good as dying anyway. </p><p>Like most meandering dread, Sangyeon must wait whilst Jaehyun seats the body in the van and climbs the tree to bounce on a weaker bough until a huge branch crashes through the windscreen. Not knowing any of this could have left Sangyeon as a happy man. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>The woodland ground is unforgiving. The knolls and ditches only make themselves known when Sangyeon is stumbling over them in the pitch of night and the dawn frost is already creeping its way beneath the hushed pall of night. Nonetheless, Jaehyun seems as though he knows precisely where he is going, paying little mind to whatever aches have him favouring his right side as he leads the way. There are no stars above to navigate, at least none are able to penetrate the heavy lattice of bare branches, and Jaehyun all but disappears several times through the veils of winter. </p><p>During one of the moments Jaehyun disappears beyond Sangyeon’s sight, when Sangyeon considers picking a direction and running despite the likelihood of ending up victim to any number of pitfalls in the woods, Jaehyun's voice comes impossibly close. </p><p>"It was different for me and Sooyoung, you know." </p><p>Sangyeon glances around, can't see anything for the trees and the illusion of misty spaces between them. He needs to give up. He says, "You're different people."</p><p>The normally pleasant sound of humour in Jaehyun's voice sparks like an irritant when he says, "Sooyoung had a girlfriend before. All this time I have been too afraid to ask what happened to her. Why would Sooyoung leave alone? Why didn't she and her girlfriend try to escape together?" </p><p>"Maybe they broke up," Sangyeon suggests right before tripping over the knotted root of a tree. Jaehyun's hands are solid as he appears in time to offer steadying support. In the dark, Sangyeon can pretend not to see the soft smile on Jaehyun's face though he knows he isn't particularly convincing. </p><p>"I was jealous," Jaehyun says. "I wondered why I couldn't find anyone. If there was anyone to love me, I could have stayed with my family and friends and everything I knew."</p><p>The notion of a life so separate from him prickles bitterly at Sangyeon’s back teeth. Maybe they could have lived differently, maybe Jaehyun could have been a man who was honest. </p><p>"Do you wish you had stayed?" Sangyeon asks as he pulls his arm free of Jaehyun’s hands. They keep walking, close, too close. Sooyoung's words from before rattle at the periphery of Sangyeon’s mind. People like him are stupid, not able to recognise truths, existing in the lives exciting people only to be endured. </p><p>"I was always meant to come here," Jaehyun decides aloud. It sounds like the first time he has said such a thing, the first time he has even thought it. Hearing an admission like that should be better but it feels like it has come several years too late. </p><p>"It must be hard for you," Sangyeon says, "Whether the things you have to do are right or wrong, you don't have much of a choice."</p><p>"Does anyone have a choice?" Jaehyun asks, quiet in the hush of the woods. Sangyeon doesn't understand until Jaehyun adds, "We move the way fate wants us to so that we become the people we are destined to be. There wasn't a chance of you coming to find me. I had to become frustrated enough with my own life to try to change it. But you were born too high for me to reach. I needed help finding you so fate made sure that I was given the right resources. I wasn't just an anonymous refugee. I was able to become someone who you would notice."</p><p>Sangyeon is too easy. He could forgive anything from Jaehyun's mouth and this must be no secret. </p><p>"Sounds very romantic," Sangyeon says. brusque. </p><p>"That's my truth." </p><p>It sounds significant. Jaehyun's truth. Considering Sangyeon has been baffled by so many inconsistencies this is nothing short of intentional. They know each other too well regardless of how much of a stranger Jaehyun seems right now. </p><p>"You're a murderer," Sangyeon reminds him. "It is strange that such a convenient truth ended up that way."</p><p>They don't talk much after that, not beyond the soft warnings from Jaehyun which come when it is too late. Being unable to trust his own senses is a bigger disappointment than Sangyeon can handle. He shouldn't be surprised by his staggering ineptitude. He hadn't noticed the signs of whatever is happening with Jaehyun, whether his mind or reality exists in baffling constructions, so of course he would be clueless in some woods in the middle of the night. </p><p>Dawn falls like an illusion, scattered shapes devoid of saturation sharpening into relief against the anonymous woodland. Regardless of the hour, Sangyeon is exhausted. His limbs are too heavy, numb with cold despite the distance travelled and the inorganic structure rising in a wide clearing seems like a figment of his imagination. </p><p>Closer they get to the ruined shack, smouldering lightly into the wash of the sky. Jaehyun's car is already parked outside the burnt-out little hut. Sangyeon glances at Jaehyun and wonders why his expression is so sombre, whether this is the end. </p><p>The charred remnants of the shack stink, the stench almost too much to bear. It isn't just the burning. The scoured flesh from a mangled body in what Sangyeon imagines used to be a bath — that stinks too. </p><p>Another body. Not a whole body, but the misshapen remnants of a torso is obvious enough. Grey fragments of bone held together by fatty sinews and flaps of tissue. </p><p>"Who is that?" </p><p>"It's not a person," Jaehyun says quietly as they stand above the dissolved carcass of a bath. The floor creaks beneath their feet, the acid which dissolved through the bath seeping across the floor and slowly eating through to the foundations. </p><p>"What is it then?" Sangyeon asks, bracing himself for an explanation which will no doubt bring about more questions. </p><p>"A deer. It doesn't need to be a person when you dissolve it down. Until forensics tests it, that is your body. Your abductors brought you here and killed you. And then they dissolved the body. There must have been an accident with the heat and the decomposition which caused an explosion. It is a wonder this whole area wasn't set alight. I wonder when the perpetrator will be recovered from his van a while away."</p><p>Jaehyun's voice is low, solemn as he recites the story he has formulated. He takes a step forward and toes at the sludge on the ground to expose a small sparkle. After a moment, Jaehyun crouches and pulls the cuff of his sleeve over his hand to pick up the gold crescent. For a while he is still. </p><p>"Jaehyun?" </p><p>Jaehyun stands up and turns to look at Sangyeon, eyes bright behind the sheen of tears. Seeing his expression like this once more is strange. </p><p>"It's your ring. This is it. You're a dead man."</p><p>Sangyeon hesitates around the words at the front of his tongue. He shakes his head. "So you're not going to kill me now?" </p><p>Jaehyun splutters and curls his hand around what is left of Sangyeon’s wedding ring. "No. You're going to hitchhike to Daejeon and get the KTX to Incheon for your flight tonight. But it is on a false passport with a fake name. Lee Sangyeon is dead." </p><p>There isn't anything perceptible in Jaehyun's face which feels dishonest. This is the moment where Sangyeon should know for sure what this situation is. Perhaps Sangyeon is a bad husband, worse than he thought Jaehyun was, because he doesn't know what to think, what he should believe, what feels more like the truth. </p><p>They have been together for years but Sangyeon can't rely on what he thinks Jaehyun's truth looks like. His own truth is miserably confused. Are Jaehyun's words true to reality? Has he been sent here on the instruction of a different state who wishes to undermine change? Does he just need help due to delusions? </p><p>Nothing wants to present itself to Sangyeon as the clear answer. Sangyeon doesn't know what to do. </p><p>"Should I really go?" </p><p>"Please," Jaehyun says, "You have to leave because I can't risk anything happening to you. Nobody else in your mother's party is as popular as she is and the other parties which have policies towards us already have operatives planted. </p><p>"I know you're not going to believe me. I know you don't believe who I am, and what I do, but you did for a moment. You listened to me before, and that is all I wanted from you."</p><p>Sangyeon had believed Jaehyun. He sounded sincere enough that it couldn't be anything other than the truth. Jaehyun always sounds sincere. His sincerity is just one of the things which made getting together easy. </p><p>Jaehyun is an easy person to trust and he always had been that way. Trust isn't an easy thing to indulge in after being uncertain of whether offering up fragments of a soul will be worth it yet again. Jaehyun had made it clear that Sangyeon could trust him from the start. If he was genuine then, he is now unreliable. If he was lying back then, trusting him now might be the most important thing Sangyeon does from this point onwards. </p><p>"I really don't know what to do," Sangyeon admits. Jaehyun sniffs loudly and curls a hand around Sangyeon’s under the cool light of daybreak filtering through the gaps in the rafters. </p><p>"It's difficult," Jaehyun agrees. "I am not asking you to keep loving me though. I just want you to be safe. When you arrive in Hong Kong, all I want you to do is find the broker who could have helped me when I was a kid. She will at least make sure you have somewhere to stay. After that, I know it isn't going to be what you want, or anything like what you have worked for, but you can live a new life and be safe. You can be anonymous. A new job, new friends, a new…"</p><p>Jaehyun doesn't finish the last thought but Sangyeon doesn't want to hear anything like that. </p><p>"Is this real? You are only going to give me the same answer as before, but I need to know if there is even the tiniest doubt in your mind that this isn't what you think it is. You're hurt and I don't want you to get more sick when there's a chance that you are already—"</p><p>"I'm sorry. I can't tell you what you want to hear. I didn't try to escape because of anything awful. I just felt like I didn't fit into a life where I was selfish for wanting the things I now have with you." Jaehyun's voice is thick and a single tear rolls down his cheeks, terribly beautiful. A crystallised moment of lamenting intent." Now that I have had you, I refuse to let anything happen to you. If I was already sick or hurt it would be more reason for you to leave because you don't know what you're up against and I wouldn't be able to help you. You have to go." </p><p>Sangyeon can't go. He shakes his head and watches despair crackle across his husband's face. </p><p>"You wanted to come with me," Sangyeon says. An anonymous broker who clearly has no problems with operating beneath the law isn't the comfort Jaehyun seems to think it is. Without his family, or any of the friends he knows, Sangyeon won't be able to rely on anyone. He isn't the sort of person who has ever needed to barter favours just to survive. He can't trust strangers but he can't even trust Jaehyun. </p><p>"I want to come with you," Jaehyun says quietly. "I will come to find you afterwards."</p><p>The words are empty save from the cracks which splinter disappointment in Sangyeon’s chest. Everything else had been true. Jaehyun simply isn't going to find Sangyeon, that's all. After everything, Sangyeon thinks this will be the thing he won't be able to forgive. </p><p>Jaehyun heads out to his car and retrieves an old watch he should have thrown away years ago. He tells Sangyeon to keep it safe and give it to the broker. He says lots of other things too but they are sapped of value by the clanging realisation that this is a forever goodbye. </p><p>Piercing ringing fills the void between Sangyeon's ears as Jaehyun embraces him, clinging pathetically where Sangyeon can't even bring himself to hold him. There is so much to say, so much more to see and do and understand about each other's existence but it is all moot now. </p><p>It doesn't feel like an act when Jaehyun sobs, guttural despondence when he calls for the police to arrive at this strange location which might well have been the last place his husband ever existed. </p><p>Sangyeon leaves Jaehyun wailing on the acid-eaten floor in the midst of a lightly smoking frame of a building. This isn't because Sangyeon wants to leave but he has no choice whatsoever.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>Sangyeon gets a lift much sooner than he expects. </p><p>Sitting in the passenger seat of this kind woman's car, Sangyeon feels grateful as much as he is worried about the woman's sense of self-preservation. It is barely eight in the morning but that doesn't mean Sangyeon looks any more respectable. He hasn't changed his clothes so he is still wearing jeans which are torn and bloody after jumping from a moving vehicle and he can even smell the sour note of his own dried sweat after walking so far last night along with the lingering odour of ignited chemicals. </p><p>As grateful as he is, Sangyeon does not make very good conversation and he can see the strain in the eyes of the driver each time she attempts to get him to talk, surely bored of her own imagination and the radio as her only company. </p><p>Sangyeon can't help it. He hadn't even told Jaehyun he loves him, which seems significant seeing as it was the last chance he had. Jaehyun hadn't said it either. Not in the grand sense of parting anyway. </p><p>Even now, Sangyeon isn't sure whether Jaehyun really is a spy or he is going through a breakdown of his world understanding, or whatever other explanations there could be for anything that is happening right now. The uncertainty is dissolving Sangyeon’s resolve. </p><p>Perhaps trying to contact his parents wouldn't be so bad. He needs to tell them that he loves them because it is true and he probably has taken their time spent together for granted. Some strange inkling tells Sangyeon that he is a fool for even considering it. Coming back to life for a final farewell is irresponsible if he is better off dead. He is hesitant to believe his assumption that Jaehyun's mind has shrouded itself in fallacies to make existence more bearable. </p><p>Momentary mourning for the life Sangyeon had lived until this point is interrupted by the driver trying once more. </p><p>"What did you say your name was again?" </p><p>Sangyeon hadn't said his name at all. Something is scraping at the back of his mind even now, imploring him not to be honest here. He won't say his name but he doesn't feel certain about offering the name printed into the false passport Jaehyun gave him either. Yang Kyungsil does not yet sound genuine to him. The risk of giving away the fact the identity is false sticks Sangyeon’s jaw together. He doesn't know this woman's name either but maybe he should offer his response and return the question if that counts as gratitude to her. </p><p>Sangyeon recalls one of the names which had crept in from the beginning of this nightmare. He could have ignored the passports, decided they were useless to him when he had more pressing matters to attend to like proving his husband's affair. Instead he is here, in a stranger's car to leave his entire life behind. </p><p>It is going to be a while before Sangyeon can forget the way Jaehyun's voice wavered as he attempted to speak through the tightness of sobs caught in his throat. There is a lot which is going to take some work to dislodge from his mind. </p><p>As easily as any other memory, Sangyeon says, "Yoon Seung."</p><p>"Yoon Seung?" the driver asks. "What's the Hanja for that?" </p><p>Sangyeon sighs. The pause before his response must have been enough to give him away. He isn't really sure of the Hanja. All he can do is guess at characters which might just fit. He says, "Yoon as in minister and Seung as in… Endure." </p><p>The woman hums with disinterest. Surely neither of them know whether he was right. Sangyeon is too tired for this. The further she drives, the further he gets from someone who needs him. </p><p>"What's your name?" Sangyeon asks because it is only fair if he knows too. "Unless you think I will interrogate you over it." </p><p>The woman contemplates the question a while before she offers, "No problem. Choi Yerim." A lie. </p><p>Two temporary companions, not-Yoon Seung and not-Choi Yerim, drive a little while longer before reaching a service station a while outside of Okcheon. The break is relief from the strange atmosphere of the car. Yerim has asked a few more questions and that have been awkward to avoid answering and she has been just as cagey when Sangyeon has attempted to reflect the questions back at her. </p><p>Having a quick wash in the toilets and brushing his teeth makes Sangyeon feel more alive despite the fact he is never going to be Yoon Seung. He has a deadline. He needs to reach the airport before the flight, however there isn't anything he wants to accomplish less. </p><p>Getting on the plane means leaving for good. It means this life will never be something he can have again. Not that he can have any part of this life again. No matter the outcome, the changes over the past couple of days are irreversible. </p><p>Yoon Seung leaves the public toilets with his backpack over his shoulders, a moneyclip in the pocket of his waterproof coat, and a battered old watch with static hands fastened to his wrist. Or perhaps Yang Kyungsil does this. Sangyeon isn't sure which yet. All he knows is that Lee Sangyeon can't be doing any of this. Lee Sangyeon was murdered, dissolved in a bath of acid by people who wanted to frighten off his mother. </p><p>Whilst browsing the shelves of a convenience store on the complex, Sangyeon wonders whether his abductors left a ransom note. It might not have been necessary if he was doomed to die anyway and Sangyeon forgot to ask Jaehyun for those details. </p><p>A light snack might be so bad. There is a display of crisps promoting new flavours at the end of one of the aisles. The crinkle of the packet he picks up is strange. The sound itself is exactly as one expects, however there is something about seeing this limited edition strawberry milkshake and fries flavour under the permanent fluorescence of the convenience store lighting which gives him pause. </p><p>Sangyeon turns to look behind him. Through the window, not-Choi Yerim is standing near her car at one of the spaces below and watching him, her long dark hair fluttering gently in the early morning breeze. </p><p>A question comes to Sangyeon, "Do you know him?" in a voice which shouldn't be familiar. </p><p>Looking at Yerim now is the first time Sangyeon is seeing her face-on. All the time in the car he has only seen the delicate precision of her profile. But like this he realises why he found sitting in the passenger seat of Yerim's car so unsettling. He only saw her face last night though her hair was almost a bright white several hours ago. </p><p>In the car this morning, Yerim had been encouraging Sangyeon to talk, asking him why he was travelling, why hitchhiking was his only option, and her phrasing and pronunciation was strange and overly-deliberate as though she wasn't quite familiar with the sounds. Sangyeon had assumed she was just being kind, over-compensating for a dialect which wouldn't make much sense to someone native to Seoul. </p><p>Perhaps Sangyeon is imagining things, or only considering certain possibilities because of what Jaehyun has been claiming. It might make him just as nonsensical as Jaehyun seems. It might be the truth. </p><p>Not-Choi Yerim might just fit into the narrative that Jaehyun is convinced is true. Jaehyun, and Sooyoung, and Yerim make sense only in circumstances like this. </p><p>Sangyeon turns away from the window. He doesn't know what to do. He hasn't slept and he probably isn't any good at hiding the parts of himself which make themselves apparent in moments of shock. There is no way he is getting back into the car with Yerim, he just doesn't want to make that obvious. </p><p>He turns back to the window, pretending to offer to buy Yerim some crisps too, however she is no longer standing in Sangyeon’s line of sight. He needs to go. </p><p>Sangyeon drops what he doesn't need, things he can't waste time buying, and runs to the back of the store. He has no idea where the woman has gone, or whether she knows anything about him at all. Right now the risk isn't worth it. </p><p>A door to the staff area is unlocked, a lucky thing but Sangyeon can't help but wonder how this is so convenient. He runs all the same, hurrying down a dingy corridor to the fire exit. </p><p>Finding himself at the bins at the back of the convenience store, Sangyeon realises he is in a locked compound. It makes sense as the area looks as though this is an access area for deliveries and the like but Sangyeon is trapped and he doesn't know where his pursuer will approach from, if at all. </p><p>He runs because that is all he can do. He scales the fence, bare hands scrambling for purchase on the frigid wooden panels. Splinters embed themselves in his palms and his arms ache as he attempts to heft himself over. </p><p>By the time Sangyeon succeeds, his entire body is trembling, fear and exertion rendering him useless. He can't succumb to his dread. He tries again, runs down a narrower road, the slower route near the expressway, certain that this is the worst route he could take but more confident that he could hide from not-Choi Yerim if he sees her or her car again. </p><p>Miracles are what take Sangyeon through the next few hours. He takes chances, trading what little money was stashed in the backpack for lifts closer to Daejeon. A lorry-driver even offers to take Sangyeon all the way North to Incheon though he rejects that offer and makes up a reason he needs to stay local. All the sense that remains screams at him not to trust this driver either and he slips away when they stop at a roadside kiosk for some food. </p><p>Sangyeon’s stomach rumbles, and his eyes are heavy, and he can barely concentrate yet he keeps going. He must. And he makes it to Daejeon. </p><p>Miracles. That must be the only explanation for how he made it where he needs to be by the early evening. </p><p>On the first KTX train he boards, he decides to take stock of everything he has. Rifling through his backpack reveals he has a couple of T-shirts, one pair of trousers, socks and underwear, a plastic bag containing travel-sized toothpaste, deodorant, and shower gel, a toothbrush, Yang Kyungsil's passport and driving licence, a wallet containing a couple of debit cards which Sangyeon suspects he isn't to use, the battered watch Jaehyun gave him at the shack, and a small folded photograph. </p><p>Perhaps this is enough to look like a tourist visiting for just a few days. He will need to work on his story. He doesn't have the sort of practice someone like Jaehyun alleges to have. He doesn't have practice differentiating between those he can trust and those he should suspect either. This is too difficult. </p><p>Because he already misses home, Sangyeon unfolds the photograph. It is old, soft with age and the ink of the characters carefully written onto the back in Hangul and chinese has bled around the edges. </p><p><em>The beginning of forever, 24th October.</em> There is no way to tell when the words were written on the back of the photograph, especially as Sangyeon had lost the developed pictures from this roll a while back, but it was probably at least a couple of years ago. The photograph itself is more than just a few years old. </p><p>Sangyeon had forgotten his project from years before, using disposable cameras to document a few months here and there and hoping images turned out well enough that being patient was worth it. This is one of those photographs which was returned from the developed film of a disposable camera. </p><p>On their first or second date, Sangyeon had asked whether Jaehyun minded having a photo to commemorate the evening. Jaehyun was hesitant, Sangyeon assuming the pause was because future dates hadn't seemed likely, but he agreed. They asked the waitress to take their picture and they smiled up at her as they sat on opposite sides of their little table. It is grainy and dark and the dome of the waitress's thumb is cresting in the bottom left corner. It is a nice picture all the same. Despite any reservations, it had felt like the beginning of forever. They have reached the end of forever far earlier than expected. </p><p>Sangyeon folds up the photograph carefully and tucks it away into a bundled pair of socks. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>For all his success in laying low, Sangyeon expects the miracles to turn on him quickly. They don't. He changes trains and makes it to the airport in time to check in for the late-night flight. Nobody grabs Sangyeon and drags him away from his escape, nobody questions him, his passport isn't flagged, and all of the connections work out. </p><p>It isn't until Sangyeon is on the plane that he allows himself to cry. Just a little moment of grief. He gives himself ten minutes to miss his family and to hope that Jaehyun will be fine. He gives himself a further ten minutes to selfishly recall all the lost comforts of his life, the nice house, the restaurants he had tried out, the comfortable job and all the disposable income which came with it, the fact that he didn't have to worry about something as simple as survival. And then he makes himself stop crying. </p><p>He doesn't know what to do, and he doesn't know where to go, but when he gets off the plane he will be Yang Kyungsil. That needs to be enough. </p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>From the distance Sangyeon had always known Hong Kong, it was always beautiful. A glitzy city of dizzying heights which encroach all around — glittering glass and the infinite fractals of opulence catching the light which beams onto the skyscrapers which pierce clouds. </p><p>Living here is different. The quirky pastel character in the streets surrounding the city of gems is still a far cry from Sangyeon’s reality. His home isn't watertight and pans, buckets, and chipped cups are positioned beneath the more insistent leaks in his roof. The chipboard and corrugated steel are precariously balanced and hollow plaster makes up the gaps in the walls. </p><p>A penthouse of sorts, Sangyeon has lived in this unmarked town atop a mid-range apartment block since arriving in Hong Kong. </p><p>Without any clues, there was no way Sangyeon could find whatever broker Jaehyun was talking about. It took Sangyeon a while too long to realise, already settled in the home he has now, that Jaehyun has never been to Hong Kong. He was caught, probably never even made it into China before being taken and trained up. Without ever coming here, Jaehyun wouldn't understand the size of the territory, or the density of the buildings and people all crushed together in cosmopolitan bliss. </p><p>Miracles kept coming when Yang Kyungsil arrived in Hong Kong. He gave in and booked a hotel room on one of the cards in the wallet, and the morning afterwards he overheard a young entrepreneur drowning his sorrows in one of the hotel bars after a failed pitch and whining about it to his wife over the phone. As wary as Sangyeon was of people who spoke the same language as him, he was the only person around who Sangyeon could comfortably communicate with. </p><p>In need of information, and possibly seeing what his options were, Sangyeon decided to get to know this man. </p><p>Ju Haknyeon was an app developer trying to use his capital to branch out into the jewellery industry. He controlled all of his own capital and apparently is amiable enough that he was happy to call Sangyeon his best friend and offer him a job right there and then. </p><p>Sangyeon was confused but he went along with it. Yang Kyungsil became Haknyeon's driver, an unofficial, cash-in-hand position which began when Haknyeon asked Sangyeon to go car shopping with him because in the long run he will save money instead of using the car-service he relies on these days. </p><p>Haknyeon is strange. On the day he was rejected by potential shareholders he decided he needed to invest in a new car and a driver. Sangyeon couldn't even drive the car legally but Haknyeon waved away those concerns by pointing out that he should be able to use his existing licence for a Hong Kong license to be issued. </p><p>As strange as Haknyeon is, he is rich. He lives in a fancy house in a fancy area with a wife who is even richer and fancier than he is. They let Sangyeon stay with them for a few weeks. Yang Kyungsil's plans hadn't panned out, how tragic that he only found out that his accommodation arrangements had fallen through by the time he got off the plane? Sangyeon was proud of himself for that aspect of his back story. It worked to give him some time.</p><p>With the time Sangyeon had when he started working for Haknyeon and Jiwoo properly, he started looking around. All he had to do was be available to take Haknyeon or Jiwoo wherever they needed to go, ensure the car was in working order and keep it clean. He had a lot of time whilst waiting for appointments and evenings to end. In this time he took notice of people who didn't seem to be well off. </p><p>People skulking around the streets looking for items to recycle, setting up small stalls and businesses mending shoes and threading eyebrows, and cleaning cars. Some seemed to be cleaners for affluent households. People who don't dress well, people who might not be in totally alien situations to Sangyeon. </p><p>That was when he discovered the towns in the sky in the poorer districts. Slums, he supposes some would consider the ramshackle constructions on the sprawling rooftops of apartment blocks. They exist through necessity seeing as so little affordable housing exists but for someone like Sangyeon it was a perfect solution. To be untraceable in the standard ways, just one man who is almost impossible to find in the cluttered warrens of the rooftop communities, would save him from worrying about being tracked down by people trained like Jaehyun. </p><p>It took a few weeks longer than Sangyeon would have liked but he eventually managed to follow enough of the right people to find the entrances, to ask around and offer enough of his pay to someone down on their luck that they didn't mind making room for him. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Living like this is nothing like living at home with all the comforts of secure housing and plumbing which doesn't rattle his whole house and heating and reliable electricity supply. Survival doesn't care for much beyond the basics and Sangyeon only needs to survive, though he isn't certain what all of this effort is for. </p><p>Day after day, he drives Haknyeon and Jiwoo around as necessary, paid weekly with cash shoved into little brown envelopes. Now that Haknyeon is finding more success in building interest and attracting investors for his proposed jewellery line, there are more appointments that he needs to be driven to. Last week Jiwoo was gone so there was more downtime but now that she is back Sangyeon is as busy as ever. </p><p>Regular stretches don't help ease the knots which stiffen into Sangyeon’s back through his days yet getting paid lightens the load on his feet as he walks home in the balmy night. Food is expensive so he would rather walk than splurge on a metro pass seeing as it isn't too far between Haknyeon's home at the bay and the town on the Sham Shui Po rooftops. </p><p>This is easier anyway. Sangyeon can buy treats to bribe some of the children who are inexplicably running around at night. Though he has lived here for a few months Sangyeon still gets disorientated, especially in the dark, and the kids dashing around in their battered trainers tend to help him get home as long as he offers them sweets. </p><p>Sangyeon heads into the convenience store at the corner of the street opposite the building where he lives. </p><p>The lights are bright, yellowish and too harsh against Sangyeon’s eyes, but the air conditioning inside the shop is a welcome relief before he will need to endure sleep in the sticky heat of his little home. </p><p>There are plenty of sweets to choose from and Sangyeon picks randomly because he knows the children who live on the rooftops aren't picky. Children crave sugar and that is their only demand before bothering to help him. </p><p>Sangyeon is still collecting handfuls of sweets when someone asks, "Do I know you?" </p><p>Yes. This person knows Sangyeon. There is no way Sangyeon would forget that voice. He turns, relief spasming through his chest. </p><p>"What are you doing here?" </p><p>Jaehyun looks awful. He looks too thin, exhaustion gnawing him right down to the bones, but he tries to smile and his eyes shine as they are outlined with rapture. As mortified as Sangyeon is to see Jaehyun looking like this, he can't help but smile back. </p><p>Jaehyun shrugs. He flexes his bare fingers, too pale, too long, and he doesn't look sure. "Is it alright that I came to see you? I ruined your life. Do you want to see me?" </p><p>It is too late to ask questions like that. He is already here in a shop near Sangyeon’s new home. He has arrived in a different country and tracked him down. </p><p>"Are you just here for a short visit?" Sangyeon asks, unsure whether he really should be happy. </p><p>"If you want it to be," Jaehyun says. "I will leave whenever you want me to. I'll leave right now if that is what you want." </p><p>That isn't what Sangyeon wants. "Can you help me carry these sweets home?" </p><p>Jaehyun looks confused but he complies. He follows Sangyeon to pay and he follows Sangyeon up the rickety metal staircase to the roof of the salmon-coloured apartment block. Incentivised by the sweets, the children point Sangyeon and his guest in the right direction through the labyrinth of homes.</p><p>Sangyeon has a camping lantern in his little house which he prefers to the flickering mains lighting when night falls. He winds the crank and sets it in the corner of the main room. </p><p>The low seats aren't too comfortable but Sangyeon doesn't need comfort when he is hardly here anyway. It is a shame that there isn't anything better for Jaehyun to sit on. </p><p>Hesitance resides in Jaehyun's face. Sangyeon speaks first. "What is your name?" </p><p>"Joel from New Zealand decided to visit an old friend," Jaehyun says. Sangyeon smiles and offers Jaehyun a bottle of water. </p><p>"Just a friend?" Sangyeon asks. Jaehyun flushes and his eyes dart to the wall. He lingers on a framed photograph stuck on with some magic tape which surprised Sangyeon with it's efficacy. The photograph hasn't fallen down once. In a past life Sangyeon would have left a review online. For now he is content to keep those thoughts to himself. </p><p>"You kept the picture?" Jaehyun asks. "When we were at the restaurant I wanted to run away. Right then, I knew how helpless I was. Meeting you felt like a trick. I wondered whether you were meant to lure me to my doom. People aren't as perfect as you. You were too good to be true."</p><p>"Should I be flattered?" Sangyeon asks, "I think I should be offended. You only stayed because you had a job to do."</p><p>Jaehyun shakes his head. "If you were the cause of my demise I decided that it would have been worth it." He pauses, licks his lips, nervous, and adds, "I haven't changed my mind."</p><p>Sangyeon isn't capable of bringing about any demise. He is a dead man walking around with a borrowed name and existing on the kindness of Haknyeon and his perpetually smiling wife who had said, "<em>friends should help friends</em>," on the day they met. Though it doesn't feel like it, even now Sangyeon’s life is too easy. Just as always. </p><p>This is also easy. Much too convenient. </p><p>"How did you find me?" </p><p>"You didn't find the broker. I thought you had died for real. I had to get creative. And I started to wonder whether you even wanted me to find you. People are secretive around here. I had to ask for a lot of help just so I could find out whether you would want to see me at all."</p><p>Sangyeon has nothing. He lost everything almost half a year ago. He wants to ask about his parents but he is planning on having plenty of time to question Jaehyun later. </p><p>"Of course I want to see you. How was I supposed to find the broker?" </p><p>Confusion passes over Jaehyun's face but he doesn't allow it to remain for too long. He points at the picture on the back. "My watch. The watch company has a building here. The date of the photograph is the unit number. I wrote the street address, didn't I?" </p><p>Sangyeon remembers the characters he couldn't read below the carefully written note. If cryptic clues were so close, Jaehyun should have explained things better than that. All the same, Sangyeon can't complain because he has rebuilt the foundations for a life. </p><p>"The beginning of forever," Sangyeon says. "It didn't last long. I wasn't able to follow your plans, but I tried. I died. What happened to you?" </p><p>Jaehyun bares his teeth as he bites around his reply. "I died too. I didn't want to have to wait any longer. I found you." </p><p>He doesn't say anything further but his hope is palpable. Here in this tiny house — barely habitable where everything must be improvised to work as other tools — for so long that he isn't sure he would trust the mindless security of a home like the place where he used to live. Presumably, getting used to another soul is still on for offer. </p><p>The man sitting beside Sangyeon has killed, and lied, and sabotaged. Whatever good things he might have done pale away from the vicious actions which were designed to hurt, but he is still Sangyeon’s husband. He is dead and he shouldn't have to do any more of that. Perhaps he is still owned, chipped and surveilled, or perhaps two dead men can be free. </p><p>Jaehyun doesn't have any luggage or any possessions so Sangyeon hopes he isn't being too forward when he says, "Did you want to try forever again?" </p><p>Jaehyun nods emphatically. "I want forever. I want it with you." </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi!!! if you ever want to talk i am on <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/126916912_">curious cat</a> and <a href="https://twitter.com/126916912_">twitter</a>!!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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